Wednesday, October 31, 2007

The Bat's Out of the Bag

So I shot this at a zoo in Argentina a year ago. I had been waiting for the right time to unleash this on the world.

That time has come.

Whoever comes up with the best caption for this will be featured in a future posting, with superpowers if so desired.

Have a Happy Halloween, don't forget to give candy corn the respect it deserves.

Here is a video of this little (or really not so little) guy in action.

Monday, October 29, 2007

Even More Gerald Ford Secret Revelations

This week will see the release of Thomas DeFrank's new book, "Write It When I'm Gone: Remarkable Off-the-Record Conversations with Gerald R. Ford,” which consists of information the former President related to author DeFrank under the understanding that it would not be divulged until after Ford’s passing.

Among the somewhat tame revelations that have already made the news were the fact that Ford believed President Bill Clinton to be a sex addict in need of therapy, and that he considered Hillary to be the one that “wears the pants” in the relationship.

Below are some of Ford’s more salacious observations, confided to his Puerto Rican friend Don Paco throughout the course of a 151-proof rum-drenched night in 2005.

The former President told Don Paco that he believed:

-that Dick Cheney’s pacemaker is “sadly, the most human part of him.”

-that the best thing about the Reagan Administration was “that Genesis video. You know, the one with the puppets.”

-that George Bush [Senior] should be given credit for managing to accomplish so much in life in spite of having “spawned so many retards.”

-that Jimmy Carter is “two-thirds tooth.”

-that there is “nothing in the Constitution that requires that the President wear underwear.”

-that Henry Kissinger would make “a great President. President of MY ASS.”

-that the Betty Ford clinic is "total bullshit. My Betty sure knows how to rip off junkies.”

-that global warming is caused by “the Cylons.”

-that the greatest threats facing the United States during the 1980’s were “nuclear war, terrorism, and Frankensteins.”

-that popcorn is “the gayest of the foods.”

-that Watergate was just another instance of “Manny being Manny.”

-that Supreme Court Justice Antonin Scalia “may well be a werewolf.”

-that he has been "high as fuck" every single time he's played golf. "In fact, I was pretty much trippin' balls my whole presidency. That's why I was so clumsy. Kissinger used to score for me, he'd get me primo shit, that's why he was always doing all that 'shuttle diplomacy.' Think about it, where was he going? Acapulco? Lebanon? He was just out scoring hash, man. I had to smoke that stuff pretty much 24/7. I mean, what sober person would pardon Nixon? It's fucking NIXON, man!

Ford was also quoted as saying the following:

-“The worst country in the world? Moldova. Fuck Moldova.”

-“I don’t know who Deep Throat was, but I know who I WISH it was: Nancy Reagan. Meow!”

-"Bill Rehnquist only wore button-down shirts because his head was too big to fit through the neck-holes in t-shirts. God I hope he was born by c-section."

-“You know who never got a fair shake? Right Said Fred. Those guys were AWESOME live.”

-"Chevy Chase? Who? Oh yeah. I'll never understand why people think he's so funny. Oh, that's right: they don't."

-“If Don Rumsfeld had been a hobbit, Middle Earth would’ve been fucked.”

-“There’s a lot of partisan rancor in Washington, but in all my years there, I don’t think I’ve ever seen anybody hate anything more than Elizabeth Dole hates Viagra.”

-“What do you mean Colin Powell’s black? Like, a Negro? Really? Fuck me.”

-“Nixon? Don’t even talk to me about Nixon. You don’t even know how many of his dried boogers I found on the underside of the desk in the Oval Office. You know who did the best Nixon? Antony Hopkins. But not in Nixon. In Legends of the Fall. 'Screw the government! Screw 'em!' Nixon used to say that all the time.”

Ford also revealed that he thought AIDS was caused by “the Japs,” that New York Times columnist Thomas Friedman “has got to be kidding with that fucking moustache,” and that the most tragically underused tool in the US diplomatic arsenal is “some good ol’ fashioned Jean-Claude van Dammage.”

A-Rod Opts Out of Yankee Contract, Re-Signs With Texas

The joy was palpable in Texas today as Rangers owner Tom Hicks announced that the Rangers have re-signed former shortstop Alex Rodríguez to a record-breaking deal. Again.

Arlington, TX--New York Yankees third baseman Alex “A-Rod” Rodríguez, widely regarded as the best player in baseball, opted out of his gargantuan contract yesterday in order to test the waters in the free agent pool. He was immediately re-signed by the team that had traded him to the Yankees, the Texas Rangers.

At the end of the 2000 season, A-Rod’s agent, Scott Boras, led a bidding war among interested teams which resulted in the Texas Rangers signing him to a 10-year contract valued at $252 million. It was rumored at the time that Boras bamboozled Rangers owner Tom Hicks into awarding A-Rod that exorbitant amount by exaggerating the offers extended by other teams, primarily the New York Mets. Among the contract’s many nuances was a provision that allowed Rodríguez to opt out of the contract after the 2007 season.

After the 2003 season, the Boston Red Sox attempted to acquire Rodríguez in a trade, but failed to do so because of financial concerns. The Rangers then named Rodríguez team captain, the move being announced at possibly the most awkward press conference ever. Rodríguez never played a single game as captain, however, because later in that same offseason, the Rangers traded him to the Yankees. In order to complete the trade, the Yankees required Texas to pay $67 million of the $179 million left on Rodriguez's contract at the time. Therefore, for the past three seasons, Tom Hicks has paid Rodríguez over $30 million to play for another team, but as of today still owed him over $30 million.

However, Hicks’s $30 million debt was discharged last night when Rodríguez exercised his opt-out clause, unilaterally terminating the contract and freeing Hicks of the $30 million obligation.

Boras and Hicks immediately called a press conference announcing that the Rangers will be re-signing Rodríguez to a 13-year, $390 million contract.

“We’re very excited to have Alex back with us,” said Hicks, who seemed confused by the entire proceedings.

“In a way, it’s like he never really left. I certainly never stopped paying him, anyway,” added Hicks, with a sad, weak chuckle.

Boras, a huge smile on his face, explained that Rodríguez is worth all that money and more. “Alex isn’t just a baseball player, he’s an icon. He’s the iconic symbol of what baseball iconicity is all about. He symbolizes and typifies the modern game, and now he is the face of the Rangers. The iconic face of the Rangers.” He continued speaking as he moved large canvas bags with the dollar symbol into a wheelbarrow.

“Icon,” he added.

Rodríguez will quite literally be the new face of the Rangers. He will be reinstated as the team’s captain, and, as part of the deal, the team will be renamed the Texas A-Rods. The name change will be accompanied by a uniform change, with the team abandoning its red, white, and blue Lone Star design for a purple and green uniform that features Rodríguez’s face on the front and the back. The purple is meant to represent Rodríguez’s lips, which are purple, and the green stands for money, which is green.

Boras explained that having A-Rod’s picture on the front and back of the uniforms symbolizes “the two faces of A-Rod.” He also pointed out that Rodríguez, when in uniform, displays three A-Rod faces (the two on the uniform, and the one on his face), which represents how “he is a triple threat: offense, defense, and, uh, I know it’s something, I’ll get back to you on that. It’s, like, an icon thing or something. How could I have forgotten this already, I just came up with it a minute ago. You’ve got to excuse me, it’s just that, God, these bags are heavy.”

Asked whether such a lucrative contract might not financially cripple the team like it did earlier in the decade, Hicks looked shocked and disoriented, saying “Well, golly, I hadn’t thought of that, maybe this isn’t such a great idea—” before being cut off by Boras, who immediately yelled “No, no, no, Tommy, it’s a valid and binding contract, you’ve got an offer, acceptance, and consideration, it’s guaranteed, I’ll take it to the union, mister!”

Boras, now dressed like the Monopoly guy, then looked around and regained his composure, saying “Wait, let’s settle down, what I meant to say was, wow, what a silly question to ask, Alex is an iconic player, he is universally beloved, his being here will mean other players will want to come play in Texas. Alex is a winner, and winners breed winning and winning breeds winning. My analysts have the numbers to back it up, plus also the contract is a done deal anyway so it’s a moot point. Anyway, he’s an icon. It’s Greek, that word. Icon. But I think they spell it with a k.”

"K for contract, bitches! I'm riiiiiiiich!," he suddenly added.

Asked if he was excited to be coming back to Arlington, Rodríguez, a blank expression on his face, replied that he was, although he’d miss some of his Yankee teammates, like Derek Jeter, Jorge Posada, and Mariano Rivera, as well as former manager Joe Torre, an answer which seemed dubious to those in attendance, mostly because everyone is well aware that all of the above-named individuals can’t stand Rodríguez.

“I have a lot of great memories of Texas,” said Rodríguez. “Like, uh, Chan Ho Park, and, uh, when we came in fourth place all those years. It’s really good to be back. I’m excited to play with all these guys here in Texas, guys like, uh—” (at this point Rodríguez turned and whispered a question to Boras, who then whispered something back in Rodríguez’s ear) “—guys like Marlon Byrd and Jason Potts. What? Bots? What bots? Oh, Botts. Botts, Jason Botts, I mean. Yeah.”

“I’m the captain,” he added. He then pretended to speak some Spanish.

At that point the press conference came to an end, and the trio walked away from the podium, two of them with uneasy smiles on their faces. As the door shut behind them, some in the room reported hearing Rodríguez saying “Marlon Byrd? The fat guy? He starts for this team? Well at least Teixeira’s still here. What? What the hell, Scott?”

Though the new contract does not contain an opt-out clause like his old one did, it does contain several novel provisions, such as a provision that awards him $10 million extra if 2010 is followed by 2011, another that awards him $15 million in the event that the Yankees and Red Sox are still in the American League in 2012, and one that allows Rodríguez to double the value of the contract at the end of the 2015 season by electing to do so.

In other news, the Boston Red Sox won the World Series last night.

Friday, October 26, 2007

In Which Don Paco Interviews President Bush at the Hacienda

Above: My devious dogservant and loyal friend Santiago gives George W. Bush his just desserts by rubbing his doggy asshole all over Bush’s pristine white pants, giving him the dreaded CACULO. For once, it’s W. that gets BEASTED.

HERE AT THE HACIENDA — Ah, hello my friend, I am glad that you have arrived, you have surprised me at a very busy moment, as I am making preparations to receive a very special visitor. I see from the bullet holes with which you are riddled that you have already met his security contingent, Blackwater Security. Would that I have known that when the President travels to Puerto Rico he would be protected by them and not the Secret Service! I would have made the appropriate preparations. As it is, they were here doing the preliminary security check earlier when one of my kitchen staff said something in Spanish, and then their commander immediately yelled “RAGHEADS! RAGHEADS! OPEN FIRE!” And now I have no kitchen. These are dark times.

You did not know I know the President? I actually have known him for quite some time. We went to the same school, though not at the same time, and also in 2000 I bundled $250,000 for his campaign. You did not know I was a Bush Pioneer? I am a complicated man. But mostly he is here because I told him that my humble hacienda sits on vast reserves of petroleum and unlikely Mideast democracy. Halliburton immediately checked and found neither, but the President still doesn’t have their memo about it because Dick Cheney is not done drafting the Executive Order to have me killed. Oh, that Dick, such as—oh, excuse me, here comes the President. Feel free to stay for the interview, though I must say, it looks like you have lost a lot of blood. Let me text Santiago and have him arrange for a blood transfusion for you.

Don Paco: Ahh, Mr. President, how lovely to see you! It has been a dog’s age!

The President: Don Paco! Como habla usted mi cabeza restaurante, taco Río Grande!

Don Paco: Please, sir, you need not worry about speaking in Spanish, though I appreciate what appear to have been your taxing efforts to do so. Please, have a seat.

The President: Boy, that’s a nice suit you’re wearin’ there, Don Paco. A sharp suit. All creamy-colored and delicious-lookin’. I’ma call you Creamy, Creamy McSuitguy. Creamy McSuitguy, heh heh heh! And that hat, great hat!

DP: Ah, Mr. President, I am glad you like it. How nice it is to hear you laugh in these dark times. And what a lovely laugh you have, sounding forced yet involuntary and uncontrollable, it really is unique, and, really, if nothing else, appropriate at all times at which it is deployed.

TP: Well, thanks there McCreamy. I’ll just have a seat on this here chair.

DP: So I wanted to ask you, sir, about your veto of the SCHIP program, which would have provided health insurance to millions of uninsured children. Why did you do that? It’s a program that has worked very well at the state level, it’s economical given what it manages to achieve, it’s quite popular, and it seems like you could have made it the cornerstone of your “compassionate conservative” agenda, which, as I recall, you haven’t really mentioned in years.

TP: Well, Dick explained it to me, and I Decidered that the compassionate thing to do would be to keep those children safe from socialized medicine. I’ve seen what socialized medicine is all about, just ask little Elián.

DP: Elián González?

Blackwater Commander: HAJJIS! OPEN FIRE!! KILL EVERYTHING!!!

TP: Shit, we better duck, Hatman.

DP: No! My beautiful porch! Can’t you get them to stop shooting?

TP: I find it’s best to just let ‘em run outta bullets. Takes ‘em a while to restock. Sounds like they’re windin’ down.

DP: Sir, is hiring these men really necessary? Why are they even here? Where’s the Secret Service? And why can’t the military do what they do in Iraq? Obviously they would be much better at it, you’d have more control over what happens, and it would definitely be cheaper.

TP: Yeah, but you have to trust the market economy, Ricky Martin! Government doesn’t work, trust me, I KNOW. Don’t worry about your casa here, Paco-san, I can get you a nice trailer for while you fix ‘er up.

DP: No thank you, sir, I’ll manage.

TP: You sure? Someone told me they’re full’a formaldehyde. That’s that stuff that keeps your teeth shiny.

DP: I’m pretty sure that you’re wrong about that.

TP: That’s ok. I’m insulated from any consequences stemming from my various and sundry colossal errors in judgment. Whatever that means. That’s what Dick’s always saying to me. I like that word, colossal. COLOSSAL! Like Colossus. He’s made’a metal. Big guy. Metal. Metal flat-top haircut. Always liked him. Throws Wolverine at robots.

DP: Mr. President, I’d like to ask you about the war in Iraq. Is there any way that—

TP: This is a nice place you got, you must spend lotsa time clearin’ brush like I do on m’ranch.

DP: Actually I don’t do anything of the sort. I pay people to do that for me. I do not see the appeal.

TP: I’ll tell you a secret, I only do it cuz Karl made me. He made me buy that ranch, too, right before the election, said people like to see a cowboy in action, you see but I’m scared’a horses, right, so I just clear brush all the time while I’m down there. Wish I could ride m’bike instead. I’m just gonna sell the ranch soon’s I leave office, just wear my spandex shorts and ride m’bike instead there, ol’ Sombrero my pal, you know what I’m sayin’?

DP: Sure. Now, Mr. President, if we could get back to talking about Iraq—

TP: Is that your dog?

DP: Yes, that is my dog, his name is Santiago.

TP: He’s just standing up there on his butt starin’ at me. Won’t quit. Make ‘im quit it. Quit it, dog. Throw you in Gitmo.

DP: He just wants to climb up on your lap, sir. He likes you.

TP: Well hell he shoulda just said so, c’mon up here Santi Claus!

DP: It’s Santiago.

TP: Did you order the code red?

DP: What?


DP: Sir, I don’t know what you’re talking about.

TP: Lookit this here dog, he’s just sitting straight up here on m’lap. He’s staring at me, Don Corleone. Make ‘im stop. I feel like he’s looking right into my very soul.

DP: Perhaps he is, Mr. President. Perhaps he is.

TP: I’ma get goin’, had them Blackwater guys find me some bike trails. BMX! Get offa m’lap, crazy dog. I don’t like your dog, Don whatever. I’ma call him—hey, what the hell? There’s shit on m’pants! Your dog’s shit got on m’pants!

DP: Oh, Mr. President, Santiago seems to have given you a caculo. I’m so very sorry. I should have warned you.

TP: Gave me a caca’s what he gave me. Fuck Cuba I’m outta here.

DP: You’re in Puerto Rico, sir.

TP: Whatever, rice and beans, Mexicans, don’t make no difference. It’s all guest workers to me. Don’t try and climb that fence I’m building.

DP: I don’t have to sneak into the country, I’m a citizen, we all are. We can just fly right in.

TP: Yeah we’ll see about that.

DP: Well, adios, Mr. President, it was lovely to see you.

TP: Yeah well you just watch out for that dog’s asshole. Hasta lasagna, don’t get any on ya!

DP: Sir, did you just quote Emilio Esteves in Mission: Impossible?

TP: Emilio Esteves?

Blackwater Commander: RAGHEADS! RAGHEADS! OPEN FIRE!

Editor's Note: Don Paco would like to apologize for any random Hindi script appearing on this page; for some reason the website seems to have taken to converting select things into Hindi, and for some reason it refuses to let me correct the transliteration setting. This disclaimer, by the way, is in no way meant to offend this blog's vast Hindi-speaking readership, which has an insatiable hunger for all things Puerto Rico-related.

Thursday, October 25, 2007

John Edwards Really, Really Shifts Course

John Edwards plans to use his political liabilities--and steal those of others--to win the nomination.

Somewhere in Iowa – Democratic Presidential candidate John Edwards, still placing a distant third in most national polls after almost a year’s worth of intensive campaigning, is planning a radical new campaign strategy aimed at getting his name out there by any means necessary. The new strategy, in a nutshell: Edwards is going to run exclusively on scandal.

The new strategy is a brainchild of Edwards campaign manager Joe Trippi and Elizabeth Edwards, the candidate’s wife. At a recent campaign strategy session, Trippi, thinking back to his time as Howard Dean’s campaign manager in 2004, remarked that no matter how hard the campaign tried to get press coverage, nothing they could do ever matched the press that Dean received with his infamous scream at a political rally following his third-place finish in the Iowa caucuses.

“Then we decided to look at how much press other scandals have generated for other campaigns, including our own.” explained Trippi. “I mean, John Edwards was the first to propose a plan for comprehensive health care for all Americans earlier this year, which is clearly what one would consider big news. But what has generated by far the most press coverage for us? His fucking haircut.”

“We found that the same thing was true for all campaigns,” continued Elizabeth Edwards. “Obama coverage spiked when rumors he’d gone to a madrasah [a type of Islamic school sometimes linked to fundamentalist strains of Islam] started circulating, all we heard about John Kerry in 2004 was the whole Swift Boat thing, and, I mean, you’ve heard that Bill Clinton got his dick sucked, right? So we figured that a) we’re in third place, b) if we don’t get the Edwards name out there we’re cooked, and c) we can’t get any reporters to write anything about any policy proposals we may come up with.”

“So, the media won’t report on anything substantive, so what can we do?” asked Trippi. “I’ll tell you what we’re going to do. As of tomorrow, John Edwards is going to start observing Wahabi Islam, and he’s going to announce that the Holocaust never happened. Also, he is going to start arresting people at random and torturing them. We gotta get our press coverage somehow. John has to win this thing. He’ll go crazy if he has to go back to being a Sam Neill impersonator. If anyone else asks him to sign their copy of Event Horizon, he’ll snap.”

[Event Horizon is a 1997 film about the Event Horizon, a haunted ship in space, starring Sam Neill. It was released after In the Mouth of Madness but before Jurassic Park III, which is an underrated film.]

Edwards’s conversion to radical Islam is only the opening salvo of a multi-pronged new campaign strategy. Edwards will also switch his pro-choice position on abortion to a militantly pro-life one.

“But we need more bang for our buck,” continued Trippi, “so in addition to making John pro-life, we’re going to start having him perform dangerous and unsanitary back-alley abortions on teenage girls—with no parental consent. We figure we’ll get bonus flip-flopper press.”

Edwards also plans to stop supporting the troops. “We’re working on the language for that one,” said Trippi. “Right now we’re focus-grouping slogans. Our leading options for that are ‘Of course we’re losing—our soldiers are illiterate rednecks!’ and ‘Maybe if they were better soldiers, they wouldn’t be getting killed all the time’ We’re really excited and can’t wait to roll that out.”

The Edwards campaign is fully committed to its new initiative, and won’t be limiting itself to Democratic candidate-inspired scandals. Taking a page from Republican Rudy Giuliani, Edwards plans to start cross-dressing more often, divorce his wife Elizabeth (who has cancer) three times, and to start surrounding himself with more advisers with Mafia connections.

Left: One of the Edwards campaign's new buttons.

Though the campaign initiative is still in its early stages, many more facets of it are in the works. Top advisers are debating the merits of having Edwards molest altar boys, and the campaign in talks with premier pornography studio Anabolic Video for Elizabeth to be featured in some of their films. “We’re not quite sure yet how deep we’re going to go with the whole porn thing,” said Elizabeth. “There’s a lot of choices. All we know is that we definitely want to do interracial.”

John Edwards is also considering shaving his head and flashing his shaved vagina as he steps out of cars. He may also get gay married. In Cuba. To Kim Jong Il.

Asked whether the new strategy wasn’t too ambitious—the logistics of performing numerous clandestine, coat-hanger back-alley abortions while adhering to the rigors of the primary campaign schedule seem particularly daunting—Trippi said that the beauty of the idea is that it could be streamlined and kept relatively simple if need be.

“I mean, how easy is it to scream like a crazy person during a speech,” explained Trippi. “That’s just good, solid, headline-grabbing, thrifty campaigning right there. Plus we’re going to stick with what we know. We’re trying to see if we can find anyone who gives $2,000 haircuts to join us on the campaign trail, and give John one of those babies every day. Hopefully in front of the press corps.”

“Also, we’re going to find out who OJ Simpson is dating, and we’re going to have John kill her,” added Trippi.

There has been no word yet as to how the press will react to the new Edwards strategy, but early indicators are positive: Fox News is reporting that 75% of its employees have been incapacitated due to overloads in their neurological pleasure centers, and Matt Drudge has been hospitalized following the explosion of his penis.

Wednesday, October 24, 2007

Schwarzenegger Puts Out SoCal Wildfires

Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger takes executive action on the California wildfires.

San Diego County, CA -- California residents knew in their hearts that they had made the right choice in re-electing Gov. Arnold Schwarzenegger when the governor single-handedly put out the raging wildfires that had been consuming Southern California for the past week.

With state and local firefighters overwhelmed by the scale of the blazes, the California National Guard protecting California by trucking around Iraq for no real reason, and FEMA being ultimately answerable to “President” George W. Bush, Schwarzenegger took matters into his own hands yesterday, announcing the move at a press conference in Sacramento.

“People of the California, do not be alarmed,” said the Governor. “We will defeat these fires ourselves. I know that this was the very reason that you elected me to be the governor of this great state, and I intend to handle this for the people of this great state.”

When a reporter asked him how he expected to be able to deal with the blazes with no prospect of rain on the horizon and the Santa Ana winds blowing superheated air across the danger areas, Schwarzenegger just smiled and responded, “Don’t worry about the weather, because let me tell you something about the weather forecast for tonight: A FREEZE IS COMING.” The Governor then slapped a female aide on her ass and quickly left the press conference in a helicopter.

Mere hours later, that same helicopter dropped Schwarzenegger directly into the heart of one of the infernal wildfires, yelling “ICE to see you!”

Witnesses at the scene saw that the Governor had donned the Mr. Freeze costume he wore in 1998’s “Batman and Robin.” In the film, Schwarzenegger plays a scientist who cheats death by inventing a suit that keeps him alive by keeping his body at sub-zero temperatures.

Within minutes, a cigar-chomping blue Schwarzenegger had extinguished the fires over a 60-acre area, shooting ice-rays at the burning scrubland, countering the fires’ roars with rejoinders such as “I’m afraid my condition has left me COLD to your pleas of mercy!”

After emerging, head newly shaven and painted a glittery blue, from what he had converted from an unstoppable fire to a cold, glistening wasteland, Schwarzenegger addressed the gathered firefighters and reporters, assuring them that “The reporters on the news were saying that being close to these fires was like being in Hell. Well on this day I have told the fires that tonight, Hell FREEZES over!”
After batting away questions regarding how he had managed to obtain a suit that performed in the same way that the special-effects-driven one he’d worn in the film did, Schwarzenegger looked straight into the camera and addressed the fires directly, saying “Allow me to break the ICE. My name is Freeze. Learn it well, for it is the chilling sound of your doom!”

Schwarzenegger was then airlifted into the eye of another firestorm, yelling “Let’s kick some ICE!” as he dropped into the maelstrom.

Within hours, all of the fires had been put out, whereupon Schwarzenegger returned to Sacramento, where, still wearing the Mr. Freeze garb and blue face paint, the Governor then laid out a bold new political agenda, which centered upon the dual goals of acquiring a gigantic diamond to power his suit and getting revenge on Democratic legislators for defeating the ballot initiatives he spent 2005 promoting.

Abandoning the conciliatory rhetoric he had successfully embraced for the past two years, Schwarzenegger declared that it was a new day in California politics, and explained to his Democratic rivals that “if revenge is a dish best served cold, then put on your Sunday finest. It's time to feast!”

Schwarzenegger also had state police issue warrants for the arrest of actors George Clooney, Chris O’Donnell, and Alicia Silverstone, and, though he has no official authority to do so, awarded Joel Schumacher an Oscar.

In unrelated news, First Lady Maria Shriver has fallen into a mysterious coma and has been cryogenically frozen until a cure for her condition can be found.

Monday, October 22, 2007

Captain America Is to Blame for the Steroid Era in Baseball

Captain America: American hero or American cheater?

Over the last few years, many Americans have gone on record in the print and video media decrying, bemoaning, expressing dismay and general think-of-the-children!-distraughtoisity (totally a real word) over the unholy fact of steroid use in baseball. More ink than could fill the ink sacs of a thousand krakens has been spilt on the pulped, bleached, and flattened remains of millions of oxygen-exhaling trees on the subject of Barry Bonds’s colossal head, Mark McGwire’s Virginia Ham forearms, and, to a lesser extent, whatever exactly it was that steroids allowed Alex Sánchez to accomplish.

But who is to blame for all the outrage, for the shattered dreams, for every angel that died every time José Canseco put one in the stands? Was it evil Canadian sprinting criminal mastermind and Elizabethan playwright name-stealer Ben Johnson? Was it Major League Baseball Commissioner’s Office that looked the other way while each moonshot brought back more fans alienated by the fact that there was no World Series in 1994, which directly led to a Republican-dominated Congress that inflicted Newt Gingrich and Tom DeLay on America? Was it the evil Communist hippie San Francisco liberal chemists at BALCO Labs that are to blame for all of this?

I say no, for I have found the original juicer, and he does not have a twin brother named Ozzie.

That is, unless CAPTAIN AMERICA has a twin brother named Ozzie! Captain America, j’accuse!

Most people look at Captain America and see a symbol of democracy and freedom, a fighter for truth, justice, and the American way, sort of like Superman, but not an illegal alien. And yet what do we know about Captain America? All we know is that one day the Nazis were kicking our asses, and the next there was the strappin’ Cap’n, boomerangin’ shield strapped to one arm, kicking the ass of the Red Skull, which, considering the condition of said villain’s face, must have been one raw, red, inflamed ass indeed.

But where did Captain America come from? What minor Nazi ass did he kick before going toe to toe with the Red Skull in the bigs? Do we even know of him kicking any Spanish or Italian fascist ass? No indeed. Who is this masked man, and where did he come from, and how is he still jumping out of planes and kicking Nazi ass while nearing the age of 90?

Steroids, true believers.

Recently declassified documents reveal that Captain America started life as scrawny Steve Rogers, a scrawny lad who couldn’t even pass an Army physical and wanted to be an artist. Yet a few short weeks later, Steve Rogers stood tall, muscular, and square-jawed, and all of a sudden there he is punching Hitler in his stupid face. It turns out that Rogers was juicing the entire time, although he denies that he knew what was going on.

Above: A scrawny Steve Rogers juices for the first time. Right: Anabolically-enhanced Captain America.

“I mean, it was the government doctors that ran the program,” said Rogers in a recent interview. “They kept on giving me these shots, and I kept asking, you know, ‘Hey, what’s in this so-called ‘Super-Soldier Serum?’ And they would always say that it was all natural, that it was mostly vitamin B-12 and flaxseed oil. Honestly, I just thought that that, combined with my new diet and exercise regimen, were what made all the difference.”

“But I’m not here to talk about the past,” added Rogers, tears streaming down his 90 year old yet firm and muscular cheeks.

Though America was only too happy to turn a blind eye to any improprieties given Rogers’s role in helping to turn around the war effort, the warning signs were there for all to see.

Captain America’s sidekick, Bucky Barnes, remembers being shocked when Roger’s would shed the uniform.

“He had all this acne on his back. And you couldn’t even see his balls,” recalls Barnes.

Also raising eyebrows was the fact that sometime at the end of World War II, Rogers’s plane was shot down over the northern Atlantic Ocean. He survived the fiery crash and was frozen in a block of ice for well over a decade, after which he was thawed out and resumed all his normal activities.

“Yeah, you’re not supposed to be able to do that,” said every scientist ever.

With cheaters like Captain America held forth as positive role models, it is no wonder baseball is in its current predicament, and when confronted with the truth, baseball’s abusers of performance-enhancing substances admit to being duped.

“I know I said that I started using HGH [human growth hormone] because my dentist told me I had a pituitary gland disorder, but deep down inside I always knew that was just an excuse,” said recently-outed HGH user Paul Byrd, a soft-tossing journeyman pitcher, late of the Cleveland Indians. “I guess that what I really wanted to do was to strike out Hitler. Strike him out right on his stupid Nazi face.”

Moreover, Captain America's vanquished enemies are now crying foul.

"It really cheapens all that we went through at the time," said the Red Skull, now a retired Bavarian florist. "I mean, me and Hitler just assumed that we were all playing on a level playing field, and now to find this out. I say Captain America's records be erased. Also we won World War II. DEUTSCHLAND!"

Update: Apparently Captain America has been killed. Major League Baseball has not indicated whether it will be following that game plan for its own substance abusers.

In Which Don Paco Cordially Welcomes You to His Porch

Hola. Thank you for stopping by, please sit. Would you like some coffee? My highly trained dog Santiago will fetch it for you. No? Are you sure? It is quite delicious, and Santiago does not mind. Very well then, but I must warn you that it is brewed from the finest freshly roasted coffee beans from Puerto Rico, and that by not having any you are doing yourself a spectacular disservice. You will have some? You are wise beyond your years. Santiago! Café! It should be here shortly.

So, my friend, how have the Bush years been treating you? Wow! I must say, I am very impressed with the sheer poetic vulgarity of the outburst my innocent question seems to have occasioned in you. Never have I heard so heartfelt a call for an elected official to be raped by velociraptors! I must make certain to mention this in my next letter to Michael Crichton.

Please enjoy your delicious coffee. Feel free to stay as long as you want. I am going inside to have a little chat with Santiago. You see, he had been gaining too much weight, and I have been forced to put him on a diet, which he has taken to poorly, and he is insistent on communicating his displeasure by defecating on my floor several times a day.

Is there something wrong with your coffee? You look pale.