Friday, November 30, 2007

Crime Wave!

I have been the victim of a heinous crime.

Tonight, after stopping at a 7-11 to buy the Hacienda’s supply of Lactaid and bread (because no hacienda should be without Lactaid and bread), I stopped at my local video rental outlet to see if anything piqued my interest. I was driving in the family Jeep, which I parked in the video store’s parking lot, directly in front of the store. The lot is decently lit, and was by no means empty when I arrived.

I went inside and did a circuit. The movie I was hoping to rent was John Carpenter’s The Thing. Yes, it is sort of random, but I randomly read something about it online recently and remembered liking it when I saw it some 15 years ago, and since Don Paco is a man that is all about goals, I set out to find the film.

Unfortunately this video store, in its first transgression of the night, turned out not to stock the film. However, it does have some 75 copies of the Roselyn Sánchez film Yellow, a hit so massive that I don’t know a single person that has seen it. I did not rent Yellow.

I looked around some more. I saw the box for Casshern, which I had recently rented from Netflix and was easily the most inexplicable film I’d ever seen. It’s set in some sort of future Japan, and there’s some Japanese people in it, and then one of them dies in some sort of future World War II. His father (I think) is working for the government on some project using so-called Neocells, which apparently are stem cells from some remote tribe that has pure, unsullied human DNA. Then lightning or something hits the facility and the body parts that they are growing in the lab turn into full-grown humans, which the authorities instantly order shot. Four of them, however, escape, and, in a curious sequence, appear to be on the run from the authorities for a long period of time and tremendous distances, although at the end of the sequence they still have the same goop in their hair that they climbed out of the Neocell pit with, and it seems to be only a few minutes later. These four dudes declare themselves Neo-Sapiens and somehow, by themselves, offscreen and with no explanation, take over some robot army that has been rotting in Europe for who knows how long. Then somehow the guy that died in future World War II gets resurrected (I'm pretty sure he is Casshern), and he has crazy superpowers, and then he beats the shit out of the robot army all by himself. Then he fights the leader of the Neohumans, and that’s when I turned it off and mailed it back in to Netflix. Needless to say I did not rent Casshern. Also, you shouldn’t rent Casshern, mostly because it is really, really horrible. (Its plot is so incomprehensible that its Wikipedia page doesn't even try to provide a summary, opting instead for providing priceless nuggets such as "Hisashi and Takuro from the band GLAY appear in a cameo," which, when I read it, I immediately thought, "Man, I KNEW those were the dudes from GLAY!"

Then I saw something that intrigued me. Skinwalkers. It’s about werewolves. But it turns out it’s one of those Underworld-type movies where there’s a ton of werewolves, but they spend most of the time as leather-clad bikers and shoot at each other with guns. Why would you make a werewolf movie and have all the fighting be non-werewolf gunfights? It’s like making a Holocaust movie and it turning out to be just a bunch of scenes of old British women having tea all the time: it doesn’t make sense. So I lingered over Skinwalkers for a while, did another circuit with it in my hand, and then I decided that I am stupid enough already, thank you very much, and just left without renting anything. I am not even going to link to Skinwalkers, because it would be socially reprehensible.

Although it sounds like I spent a long time in the store, I can’t have been in there much more than five minutes. I walk back out to the car, and once I get there I notice that there’s window glass on the ground. I think to myself, “Ouch, some poor jackass had his car broken into.”

Alas, I am that poor jackass.

First Maximiliano del Chubasco , and now this. Clearly a tsunami of crime is washing over our beautiful island. Nothing of value was stolen, fortunately. The bandit (or bandits? I am not ruling out a gang or major criminal conspiracy) only made off with a mostly empty purse in the backseat. The bread and Lactaid were not taken, nor was my cd binder (sweet!), nor my mother’s cd binder (meaning that I will continue to have Andrea Bocelli and Il Divo inflicted upon me until I leave the car unattended in a neighborhood full of gay Eurothieves). It occurs to me that I just got Beasted. Fuck.

I am blaming the whole sordid ordeal on Skinwalkers. Don’t watch that movie, I’m sure it blows. It can only lead to further suffering. Tell your loved ones.


L'italiana said...

A proud, out-of-the-closet Bocelli fan, I have no opinion, positive or otherwise re Il Divo. My only contact with this menage a quatre was while drifting by close to Edinburgh Castle: a small group of us saw metal rigging rising up to the sky and we learned it was there to hold the masses that had paid the equivalent of US$200 to see/hear these 4 handsome dudes. I was much more attracted to the engineering feat of the rigging, since the Castle is propped atop a stick in the middle of total flatlands.

Adrian said...

What! That blows ass. Tho that Casshern movie sounds awesome. I like anything with robots.