Thursday, January 17, 2008

DOJ to Investigate Shortstop Miguel Tejada

Washington, D.C. -- Rep. Henry Waxman of California spoke for the House Committee on Oversight and Government Reform in calling for Attorney General Michael Mukasey to initiate a Department of Justice investigation into whether Houston Astros shortstop Miguel Tejada lied to Congressional investigators in 2005 about steroid use.

"Lying to federal agents in the course of a federal investigation is a crime, one which carries up to a five-year prison sentence," said Waxman. "You can't be lying to the Congress and just get away with it. You're out, Tejada! As they would say in your home country, the Dominican Republic, PONCHAO!"

Tejada maintains his innocence, and has repeatedly denied using performance-enhancing substances.

"I don't lie to nobody," declared Tejada. "I don't use those esteroids, I use the vitamina B-12. I just have to inject it because it work better if you inject it into your culo, which my trainer he tells me is the body's B-12 processing organ. Is no steroid. Is me, Miggy! I play every day!"

The DOJ probe will not be limited to Tejada's alleged steroid use. Ranking Committee Republican Tom Davis of Virginia also wants to investigate whether Tejada has been involved in other recent scandals.

"We still don't know who ordered the firing of all those U.S. Attorneys last year," said Davis. "And while those attorneys serve at the President's pleasure, and thus there was no crime whatsoever in removing them, we still want to know what role Tejada played in those events, just in case there was a crime. Because it was probably his fault."

Tejada denies any involvement in the U.S. Attorney scandal.

"I don't know no U.S. Attorneys!" exclaimed Tejada. "I got an American lawyer. I no fire no one! I just show up and play hard every day! Miggy just wants to be out there on that field giving 100%!"

"Yeah right," said an unconvinced Waxman. "Then what about that meeting you had with Alberto González and Monica Goodling where you discussed the list of which U.S.A.'s weren't loyal enough Bushies? Who compiled that list if it wasn't you?"

"But I don't recall being present at that meeting, I don't recall who composed that list! I was aware of the list, but only because I saw it in the news!" responded a visibly anxious Tejada.

"That's what González said, too," said Waxman. "The bottom line is that we are not going to allow the further subversion of our Constitution and our government by this Administration anymore. Congress is going to exercise its oversight powers and rein all this corruption, and we're starting with someone who is clearly at the center of all this wrongdoing, Houston Astros shortstop and former Oakland Athletics and Baltimore Orioles All-Star Miguel Tejada."

Further piling on, David Addington, Vice President Dick Cheney's Chief of Staff, wrote a letter to the Committee reminding them to also ask Tejada about his "integral, decision-making, buck-stops-with-Miggy-and-no-one-else" role in the CIA's decision to destroy videotapes of detainee interrogations at secret prisons.

"Yeah, that whole thing, that was all Tejada," wrote Addington. "I didn't have shit to do with that."

Hearings have been scheduled for February. Tejada's attorney has stated that Tejada would be willing to testify if he is given immunity from being shifted to third base.

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