Monday, October 29, 2007

Even More Gerald Ford Secret Revelations

This week will see the release of Thomas DeFrank's new book, "Write It When I'm Gone: Remarkable Off-the-Record Conversations with Gerald R. Ford,” which consists of information the former President related to author DeFrank under the understanding that it would not be divulged until after Ford’s passing.

Among the somewhat tame revelations that have already made the news were the fact that Ford believed President Bill Clinton to be a sex addict in need of therapy, and that he considered Hillary to be the one that “wears the pants” in the relationship.

Below are some of Ford’s more salacious observations, confided to his Puerto Rican friend Don Paco throughout the course of a 151-proof rum-drenched night in 2005.

The former President told Don Paco that he believed:

-that Dick Cheney’s pacemaker is “sadly, the most human part of him.”

-that the best thing about the Reagan Administration was “that Genesis video. You know, the one with the puppets.”

-that George Bush [Senior] should be given credit for managing to accomplish so much in life in spite of having “spawned so many retards.”

-that Jimmy Carter is “two-thirds tooth.”

-that there is “nothing in the Constitution that requires that the President wear underwear.”

-that Henry Kissinger would make “a great President. President of MY ASS.”

-that the Betty Ford clinic is "total bullshit. My Betty sure knows how to rip off junkies.”

-that global warming is caused by “the Cylons.”

-that the greatest threats facing the United States during the 1980’s were “nuclear war, terrorism, and Frankensteins.”

-that popcorn is “the gayest of the foods.”

-that Watergate was just another instance of “Manny being Manny.”

-that Supreme Court Justice Antonin Scalia “may well be a werewolf.”

-that he has been "high as fuck" every single time he's played golf. "In fact, I was pretty much trippin' balls my whole presidency. That's why I was so clumsy. Kissinger used to score for me, he'd get me primo shit, that's why he was always doing all that 'shuttle diplomacy.' Think about it, where was he going? Acapulco? Lebanon? He was just out scoring hash, man. I had to smoke that stuff pretty much 24/7. I mean, what sober person would pardon Nixon? It's fucking NIXON, man!

Ford was also quoted as saying the following:

-“The worst country in the world? Moldova. Fuck Moldova.”

-“I don’t know who Deep Throat was, but I know who I WISH it was: Nancy Reagan. Meow!”

-"Bill Rehnquist only wore button-down shirts because his head was too big to fit through the neck-holes in t-shirts. God I hope he was born by c-section."

-“You know who never got a fair shake? Right Said Fred. Those guys were AWESOME live.”

-"Chevy Chase? Who? Oh yeah. I'll never understand why people think he's so funny. Oh, that's right: they don't."

-“If Don Rumsfeld had been a hobbit, Middle Earth would’ve been fucked.”

-“There’s a lot of partisan rancor in Washington, but in all my years there, I don’t think I’ve ever seen anybody hate anything more than Elizabeth Dole hates Viagra.”

-“What do you mean Colin Powell’s black? Like, a Negro? Really? Fuck me.”

-“Nixon? Don’t even talk to me about Nixon. You don’t even know how many of his dried boogers I found on the underside of the desk in the Oval Office. You know who did the best Nixon? Antony Hopkins. But not in Nixon. In Legends of the Fall. 'Screw the government! Screw 'em!' Nixon used to say that all the time.”

Ford also revealed that he thought AIDS was caused by “the Japs,” that New York Times columnist Thomas Friedman “has got to be kidding with that fucking moustache,” and that the most tragically underused tool in the US diplomatic arsenal is “some good ol’ fashioned Jean-Claude van Dammage.”


Adrian said...

Gerald Ford was awesome. I wonder what he had to say about Chevy Chase. I wonder what the hell happened to Chevy Chase. Like, is he even still alive? Weren't they making a Fletch 3 with Chris Rock? These are the questions this blog post has brought up.

Don Paco said...

You know, I know Ford talked about Chevy that night, but I couldn't make out what my notes said about him. However, I have since deciphered my drunken scribblings, and have added the pertinent quote.

Most of the other stuff Jerry said about Chevy was, frankly, not fit for print.

Ken said...

I'm still laughing...

Hope all is well.


L'italiana said...

Who knew Pres Ford could be so forthcoming?

Anonymous said...

that's what happens when you forget to wear your helmet

Mark Beihoffer said...

I'm not even sure how I got here, but it was a pleasure and I'll be sure to stop back soonly!

- Mark Beihoffer

Mark Beihoffer said...

Yaaaar matey! I'm a SPACE PIRATE!!!

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