Wednesday, October 24, 2007

Schwarzenegger Puts Out SoCal Wildfires

Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger takes executive action on the California wildfires.

San Diego County, CA -- California residents knew in their hearts that they had made the right choice in re-electing Gov. Arnold Schwarzenegger when the governor single-handedly put out the raging wildfires that had been consuming Southern California for the past week.

With state and local firefighters overwhelmed by the scale of the blazes, the California National Guard protecting California by trucking around Iraq for no real reason, and FEMA being ultimately answerable to “President” George W. Bush, Schwarzenegger took matters into his own hands yesterday, announcing the move at a press conference in Sacramento.

“People of the California, do not be alarmed,” said the Governor. “We will defeat these fires ourselves. I know that this was the very reason that you elected me to be the governor of this great state, and I intend to handle this for the people of this great state.”

When a reporter asked him how he expected to be able to deal with the blazes with no prospect of rain on the horizon and the Santa Ana winds blowing superheated air across the danger areas, Schwarzenegger just smiled and responded, “Don’t worry about the weather, because let me tell you something about the weather forecast for tonight: A FREEZE IS COMING.” The Governor then slapped a female aide on her ass and quickly left the press conference in a helicopter.

Mere hours later, that same helicopter dropped Schwarzenegger directly into the heart of one of the infernal wildfires, yelling “ICE to see you!”

Witnesses at the scene saw that the Governor had donned the Mr. Freeze costume he wore in 1998’s “Batman and Robin.” In the film, Schwarzenegger plays a scientist who cheats death by inventing a suit that keeps him alive by keeping his body at sub-zero temperatures.

Within minutes, a cigar-chomping blue Schwarzenegger had extinguished the fires over a 60-acre area, shooting ice-rays at the burning scrubland, countering the fires’ roars with rejoinders such as “I’m afraid my condition has left me COLD to your pleas of mercy!”

After emerging, head newly shaven and painted a glittery blue, from what he had converted from an unstoppable fire to a cold, glistening wasteland, Schwarzenegger addressed the gathered firefighters and reporters, assuring them that “The reporters on the news were saying that being close to these fires was like being in Hell. Well on this day I have told the fires that tonight, Hell FREEZES over!”
After batting away questions regarding how he had managed to obtain a suit that performed in the same way that the special-effects-driven one he’d worn in the film did, Schwarzenegger looked straight into the camera and addressed the fires directly, saying “Allow me to break the ICE. My name is Freeze. Learn it well, for it is the chilling sound of your doom!”

Schwarzenegger was then airlifted into the eye of another firestorm, yelling “Let’s kick some ICE!” as he dropped into the maelstrom.

Within hours, all of the fires had been put out, whereupon Schwarzenegger returned to Sacramento, where, still wearing the Mr. Freeze garb and blue face paint, the Governor then laid out a bold new political agenda, which centered upon the dual goals of acquiring a gigantic diamond to power his suit and getting revenge on Democratic legislators for defeating the ballot initiatives he spent 2005 promoting.

Abandoning the conciliatory rhetoric he had successfully embraced for the past two years, Schwarzenegger declared that it was a new day in California politics, and explained to his Democratic rivals that “if revenge is a dish best served cold, then put on your Sunday finest. It's time to feast!”

Schwarzenegger also had state police issue warrants for the arrest of actors George Clooney, Chris O’Donnell, and Alicia Silverstone, and, though he has no official authority to do so, awarded Joel Schumacher an Oscar.

In unrelated news, First Lady Maria Shriver has fallen into a mysterious coma and has been cryogenically frozen until a cure for her condition can be found.


Simon said...

That's some funny shit Don Paco.

Adam said...

Keep it coming Don Paco - maybe a movie review of 13 Ghosts is in order?