Wednesday, January 23, 2008

Beasting of the Week: Satan

Above: Le Tigre, the Face of Beasting .

Left: "Lord, why hast thou Beasted me?"

Now, strictly speaking, this beasting did not begin this week (I guess strictly speaking it began at some point during the Old Testament), but as it appears to be an ongoing effort, and because there is no actual requirement that the Beasting of the Week actually take place during the week in question, we’re running with it.

A few weeks ago, I came across a fantastic article in the UK newspaper The Daily Mail, titled “Pope's exorcist squads will wage war on Satan.” Now, who wouldn’t want to read that? I meant to write about it earlier, but I didn't. Which I am blaming on the Devil. Fucking Satan!

The article is all about how Pope Benedict XXX (as I believe he refers to himself in his own infallible head) is very worried about the very real problem of, well, the Devil. Specifically, the Devil getting all up in people’s shit, forcing Benedict (or, as his closest friends call him, “Eggs”) to send out priests to do exorcisms. Here's a taste:

“The Pope has ordered his bishops to set up exorcism squads to tackle the rise of Satanism. Vatican chiefs are concerned at what they see as an increased interest in the occult. Each bishop is to be told to have in his diocese a number of priests trained to fight demonic possession…
"Thanks be to God, we have a Pope who has decided to fight the Devil head-on," said Father Gabriele Amorth, the Vatican’s ‘exorcist-in-chief’. Too many bishops are not taking this seriously and are not delegating their priests in the fight against the Devil. You have to hunt high and low for a properly trained exorcist.”

I wish my job were more like the Pope’s, where you come up with all sorts of crazy solutions to problems that don’t exist. I mean, all this must really be about the fact that Benedict didn’t really do anything of note for a few months because he was off playing Guitar Hero or something, and then one of his underlings at one point works up the nerve to ask His Holiness if there’s something he needs help with, some grand initiative he’s been working on for all these months to help the world, and Benedict is all thinking ‘Holy shit, I better come up with something quick’ so he tells the guy, “Yes, I have been pondering the growing problem of, uh, the deepening specter of, uh, oh yes, SATAN! We must stop Satan, he is possessing people left and right! I want a report on my thousand year old desk made from wood from the Garden of Eden in the morning!” That way, whenever my boss would come into my office and ask me what I’d been working on, I could say shit like, “Witches, boss. Witches have been coming into kids’ rooms at night in the form of cats and stealing their souls to use them to make their brooms fly faster. So I've been sitting here at my desk doing Sudokus, because every time you solve a Sudoku, a witch contracts antibiotic-resistant flesh-eating bacteria and dies. What do you mean you're not buying it? Fuck you, I'm infallible. That's it, I've had it: you're excommunicated, Jackson. Burn for all eternity, asshole.”

Left: The Pope. You would think that the cardinals would, as part of their Pope-selection criteria, have something along the lines of "Candidates for Pope should not look really, really evil."

I suppose you have to deal with bullshit anywhere you work, and I guess these are the types of management problems you come across when you work in the hierarchy of the Catholic Church (or, as we call refer to it here at the Hacienda, “La Iglesia, que es una, santa, catolica y apostólica”. It's a mouthful.). Imagine that you are working in human resources and you have to call someone into your office and bitch at them about them not delegating enough responsibility in the fight against the Father of Evil? You'd have to go home your wife would ask you about your day, and you'd be all wanting a drink because everyone hates you for always yelling at them about Satan. Nobody needs that type of aggravation, man.

Imagine you are a bishop. Assume that you are a rational person and are in the church to help people with real problems, and that you therefore don’t concern yourself with problems like demon infestations, because they aren’t real. All of a sudden some Vatican suck-up asshole calls you in to his Holy See or whatever and starts chewing you out about your lackluster Satan preparedness plans. What could you tell that guy? You can’t tell him that Benedict is being a nutjob about this, because, guess what, Benedict can’t be wrong. So now you have to go back to your luxurious bishop’s residence, call in a bunch of your priests, and you have to sit there with them and brainstorm about how you’re going to FIGHT THE DEVIL. You have all these guys, all of whom are already pretty tightly-wound because they don’t make any money, can’t have sex with women, and go to bed every night praying to the Lord to rid them of the burning desire to kill that they feel every time a cel phone goes off during Mass, and now you have to be like, “Well, Father Juan Carlos, I want you to make me a spreadsheet about our anti-Satan initiative. And you, Father Mbeki, do you think you could come up with a nice PowerPoint presentation for the Cardinal? Get some pictures of Linda Blair and Max von Sydow in there, those’ll really sell it.” And then you have to pick which of your dudes are going to get to go to Rome for that big Exorcism training, and you know it’s going to be the biggest suck-ups who’ll be volunteering for that. Ugh.

But apparently this is all moving forward, so if you get possessed, you won’t have to worry about missing work because you’re tied to your bed with your head facing backwards, masturbating with a crucifix and yelling about peoples’ moms sucking cocks in hell. You just call up your local Exorcist Squad—you know what would be badass? If those guys had capes—and they’ll come take care of you. Don’t you worry about Satan, baby, because Benedict’s got your back. Satan, you got BEASTED.


Doña Paquita said...

Bravo! Thank u for exposing the truth about what our weekly ofrenda is used for. I've been trying to warn my family for years that it was all quite sketchy and probably had nothing to do with trying to end poverty. I just thought the priest took it to buy himself cigarettes, but now I know he's searching our eyes during communion for any signs of the devil...i better leave my red lipstick at home!

Adrian said...

You know who would be an awesome pope? Urban X. Just say it. Urban X! Too bad we're still on Urban 9. Oh well. I guess anything's better than Pope Hyginus (died 142 AD).