Tuesday, January 29, 2008

No Religious Leader is Safe

“I know it was you, Archbishop Christodoulos. You broke my heart. You broke my heart!”

Right: The Hacienda's state of the art communications center.

Recently, as I sat here in the high-tech communications center at the Hacienda, searching the internet for clues as to which young Hollywood actor would be next to die (judging by these pictures , I’m pretty sure I’m going to go ahead and go with Jared Leto), I realized that though many young Hollywood actors have died of late, greater numbers of an arguably more important group have been dropping like flies: religious leaders. Going by the calculations of the Hacienda's many very expensive supercomputers, at least four prominent religious leaders have met suspicious ends since last summer. To wit:

- Jerry Falwell . Died May 15, 2007, at age 73, of “natural causes.” An evangelical Christian, Falwell founded the Moral Majority, which helped lots of horrible Republicans get elected to all sorts of offices.

- Serigne Saliou Mbacké . Died December 28, 2007, at age 92, of “natural causes.” Mbacké was the leader of Senegal’s Mouride Islamic sect, the most powerful in mighty Senegal. He was played by Get Shorty's Delroy Lindo.

- Archbishop Christodoulos . Died January 27, 2008, at age 69, of “cancer.” Christodoulos was the head of the Greek Orthodox church. Christodoulos was not afraid to savagely thrash sinners with his "Celestial Pimp Stick," pictured here.

- Gordon B. Hinckley . Died January 27, 2008, at age 97, of “old age.” Hinckley was the President and Prophet of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints, aka the Mormons. Even he didn't buy Mitt Romney's bullshit.

Four important religious leaders, all dead from supposedly natural causes in the space of less than one year. Shouldn’t this raise some eyebrows? Why is the media afraid to ask the hard questions? Is it because they don’t want to know the answer, because they can’t handle the truth? Well, Don Paco can handle the truth, and I’m going to tell you what’s behind these deaths:

Pope Benedict’s Exorcism Squads, that's what.

Yes, that’s right, I said it. Far from fighting “the Devil,” the true purpose of the “exorcism squads” set up by the Pope Formerly Known as Ratzinger is to wipe out the leaders of other religious denominations. These squads are stealth assassination teams sent by Benedict to wipe out his competition. All that talk about fighting the Devil was just code, you see. The Devil is apparently any church that is not the Roman church, and when the Catholic hierarchy complained of the lack of “properly trained exorcist[s],” what they were really bemoaning was a dearth of vicious, stealthy ecclesiastical assassins, a shortage that by all appearances they have remedied.

You have to wonder why Benedict chose these leaders to kick off his Crusade of terror. Did his love of Hustler make him target Jerry Falwell, long the thorn in Larry Flynt's side? Was Mbacké targeted due to a latent hatred of black people stemming from his days in the Hitler Youth? Did he covet Christodoulos's stylish black headgear and understated bling? Did he envy Hinckley's power to reinstitute polygamy at any time, or his ability to get pairs of blond dudes to put on white short-sleeved shirts and black ties and go all over the damn place looking for new recruits? Were the selections made systematically, or were balls with these clerics' names on them simply picked out of some sort of unholy lottery? We may never pierce the veil of evil that shrouds Benedict's Vatican, but we can be sure that there is more Catholic carnage to come.

The question is, who’s next? Farrakhan? Billy Graham? Tom Cruise? Has anyone heard from the Dalai Lama? And is it just established churches that are in trouble? Should, for example, the CEO of Church’s Chicken be afraid? Should Snoop Dogg, the man who coined the word “chuuuuuuch,” be more afraid of Benedict that he is of Suge Knight? Should New York Mets outfielder Ryan Church worry more about about Communion wine-swilling killers than about potentially helping the Mets even less than vaunted five-tool prospect Alex Escobar? Will Benedict smite America for worshipping American Idol? Does Charlotte Church need to go to the mattresses?

Let’s face it, no one is safe from Benedict and his Exorcist Squads of Death. Pat Robertson, famous rabbis, Ayatollah Khameini, you have all been warned.

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