Thursday, February 14, 2008

Lightning Strikes Jesus Statue

Man, that can't be good.

Rio de Janeiro, Brazil--On Sunday, God made it pretty clear what he thinks of what his subordinate Pope Benedict XVI has been up to with his Exorcism Squads when he rained down His mighty bolts of lightning on the statue of Christ the Redeemer atop Mt. Corcovado in Rio de Janeiro.

God, a regular reader of this and all other words ever written or to be written, from now until the end of time, has found out via this blog and His own omniscience that Benedict has been using his Exorcism Squads to off the canonical competition and not for beasting Lucifer , he whose name is Legion.

This morning, God's spokesman, the Metatron, rang forth a mighty host of silver trumpets and announced that "Hearken ye mortals, that the hour is nigh upon thee to slough off the deceptions of the false prophet of the Almighty Lord's holy Word, and embrace rather that which has been set down for you in the Book He had all those apostles ghostwrite for thy benefit. Do not make us send Gabriel and Michael down to smite thee.

"God also said to tell you that you guys are this close to losing your free will privileges," added the Metatron.

The prospect of a regime of straight predestination is a grim prospect, says one Vatican insider. "Do you realize how obnoxious those Calvinists are going to be if that goes down? We'll never hear the end of it."

The Metatron then addressed Benedict directly, warning him that if He had to send down another antipope to set up shop in Avignon and clean this mess up, He was going to be "one vengeful Alpha and Omega."

The Metatron added that God specifically also wanted it relayed to people that His son Jesus did have sex with Mary Magdalene, as well as many other women, because He "wasn't no damn punk."

"God out," concluded Metatron.

The statue of Christ was unharmed by the lightning, because, just like most Brazilian public works, it is made of recycled thongs, butt implants, and happiness.

Author's Note: The composition of this article began last night, but was interrupted by a mysterious power outage on the Hacienda's street. Crumbling Puerto Rican infrastructure or Vatican shenanigans? You be the judge.

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