Tuesday, February 12, 2008

I Like Not Getting Stabbed


As I was eating my bowl of Honey Bunches of Oats this morning, I was flipping through today's copy of the San Juan Star and came across a short item about an incident which took place in Cayey over the weekend. Apparently a man entered a business establishment there, and for reasons never specified, became belligerent. He started an argument with another customer, and then stabbed the other customer five times, which presumably garnered him the win in the argument, even if it placed him at a severe disadvantage in his upcoming "don't send me to jail" argument with the local authorities.

This item inspired me to be thankful for the small blessing that my life is generally free of stabbing-engendering arguments. I am a peaceful person, and insofar as I take part in any arguments at all, they tend to be civilized. Bladed weapons rarely if ever make an appearance.

Here is a normal Don Paco argument:

Don Paco: Ooh, Bill Maher is on Larry King. Sweet. Shit, commercial.

Doña Paquita: Ok, quick, turn it to TLC. Channel 98.

Don Paco: Ok.

Doña Paquita: Ooh, it's the show about the sextuplets! Ohmigod, look at that woman's belly. That is disgusting. After she gave birth her belly looked like an 80 year old man's ass.

Don Paco: That sure is a lot of Filipino babies right there.

Doña Paquita: Ooh, and the show about midgets is up next. NO! I shouldn't say midgets, it's offensive. Little people, that is the preferred nomenclature.

Don Paco: But Bill Maher...

Doña Paquita: YOU SEE BILL MAHER EVERYDAY! We're watching the Filipino babies! Ooh, that little one has glasses!

Don Paco: Fucking TLC...

Doña Paquita: What was that?

Don Paco: No, nothing, "TLC, wee-hee!", that's what I was saying. Love that TLC.


But what if I was somehow prone to getting into arguments that ended in stabbing? I imagine it would look something like this:

Don Paco: Ooh, Bill Maher is on Larry King. Sweet. Shit, commercial.

Doña Paquita: Ok, quick, turn it to TLC. Channel 98.

Don Paco: Ok.

Doña Paquita: Ooh, it's the show about the sextuplets! Ohmigod, look at that woman's belly. She looks like she's about to give birth to the US Olympic team. Sigourney Weaver should put on her robot suit and yell "Get away from her, you bitch!" at her.

Don Paco: Man is that preternaturally distended belly gross.

Doña Paquita: Don't be so insensitive! That poor woman. And don't you dare change that back to Larry King.

Don Paco: But Bill Maher...

Doña Paquita: Bitch I cut you!

Don Paco: What? What are you doing with that knife?

Doña Paquita: We're watching this, and then we're watching "What Not To Wear", you hear me, asshole?

Don Paco: But what about-- OWW! You stabbed me! Ohmigod stop stabbing me! AAAAH!

Doña Paquita: Yeah, you gonna watch what now? That's what I thought. Look at you, lying there on that floor, bleeding, ACTIN' A BITCH!

Don Paco: I can't see any light. So cold, I'm so cold...


What Not To Wear, or multiple stab wounds? The former, most definitely. Here's to several more decades of stab-free living.

2 comments:

Don~a Paquita said...

Ha! It's sooooo the other way around! Don Paco LOOOVES a little TLC every day!

Adrian said...

Speaking of The Wire, man is McNulty into some shit now.