Monday, February 25, 2008

I Am Ravaging Argentina

Left: I don't know this lady, and I don't know her junkie sons.

You can imagine how surprised I was to open up the New York Times website the other day only to find out that I am currently in the process of horrendously devastating the lives of poor Argentinians and Brazilians. Paco , says the Grey Lady, has "destroyed thousands of lives in Argentina and caused a cycle of drug-induced street violence never seen before in [Argentina]."

Much like John McCain , I was shocked and appalled that a liberal rag such as the Times would, in contravention of all journalistic ethical standards and practices, launch such a vicious torrent of yellow journalism my way, relying exclusively on hearsay, innuendo, and unreliable, drug-addicted, foreign sources. Not only that, but the Times seems to have made absolutely no effort to contact me for my side of the story. Now, therefore, I must defend myself against these vicious libels directed at me by that most Communist of rags. This assassination of my sterling, unimpeachable character shall not stand, I tell you.

As you well know, dear reader, Don Paco is a Puerto Rican gentleman of leisure. That much is easily verifiable from the "About Me" section of this very blog, which the Times "reporters" who put together this story obviously neglected to properly inspect. According to the Times, paco is "a highly addictive, smokable cocaine residue" that is "even more toxic than crack cocaine because it is made mostly of solvents and chemicals like kerosene, with just a dab of cocaine." The "paco problem" in Argentina and Brazil stems from the fact that the market has been flooded with this cheap substance, which apparently provides a short, intense high, and is extremely addictive. If the Times is to be believed, paco has an iron grip on the drug trade in Argentine shantytowns such as Ciudad Oculta.

Now, anyone who has ever met me knows that I am not made of cocaine and solvents. Neither do I contain any kerosene. I am not, so far as I can tell, smokable. Though I am cheap, I am certainly not addictive. You need only check the hit counter on this website to see just how not addictive I am. So far as I can tell, no one has ever sold all their possessions and stolen from their relatives in order to continuously smoke me. I may not be a scientist, but I know that I am not constantly being smoked. And Argentine slums? I never go there. Ask Doña Paquita, who knows a thing or two about Argentine slums--Doña Paquita having a slightly different formulation of what constitutes an enjoyable tourism experience--how big my presence is in those parts of the world.

I have to say, I am tired of being targeted by the Times for its libelous jeremiads against me. New York Times, you have impugned my honor for the last time. I am now forced to take drastic measures. Since the Times has made its fraudulent persecution of my spotless reputation a matter of shameful public record, I have but one choice:

I hereby challenge New York Times Public Editor Clark Hoyt to a duel.

Left: Hey Clark Hoyt, you've got bigger problems than Judy Miller and Jayson Blair now, you reprobate.

Sir, I shall be at the Heights of Weehawken , New Jersey, at dawn on July 11, along with my second. It shall be pistols at ten paces, and if you do not show, I shall know you for the coward that you are, and your "newspaper" for the fish-wrapper of ignominy that Rush Limbaugh and his ilk hold it to be.

Also, know that if you do not show, I will DRINK YOUR MILKSHAKE! I'LL DRINK IT UP!

You have been warned.


Don~a Paquita said...

i'm with the NY Times on this one, for i too succumbed to the intoxicating charms of paco while in argentina...irrésistible!

Clark Hoyt said...

Please, g - I'd whup you so hard you'd have paco coming out of your ass. You don't want none.

Don Paco said...

hoyt, i will beat you until you cry "ombudsman"

i will beat you so hard that byron calame and daniel okrent will feel it

you won't even be able to public edit the Sacramento Bee after i'm done with you

it will be so gruesome that Japanese Americans will remember 1942 not as the year that they got interned but rather as "the year that that Hoyt guy that got beat down by Don Paco was born in"

go creepily hover over Maureen Dowd's desk, you deviant