Wednesday, February 13, 2008

Det. Jimmy McNulty Loves the New FISA Law


Who likes the unfettered ability to listen in on phone conversations? Jimmy McNulty does, that's who.



Baltimore, MD -- Detective Jimmy McNulty of the Baltimore Police Department's Homicide unit was glad to hear today that the US Senate caved in to the White House on warrantless wiretapping powers, pointing out that the probable cause requirements of the warrant-securing process had hindered many of his investigations.

"When we had to come down off the wire on Marlo Stansfield, that essentially killed our investigation," said Det. McNulty. "Now we're going to be able to catch that mope, and we won't even have to deal with recalcitrant phone companies being reluctant to help us go up on wires because now they have immunity from prosecution for helping us."

"Now I can stop making up serial killers in order to get attention," added McNulty. "I still can't believe I did that. That seems neither gritty nor realistic. I really sort of jumped the shark there."

When asked whether he was afraid that his superiors might discipline him for coming out so publicly on a contentions civil liberties issue, McNulty was dismissive.

"Fuck the bosses, Bunk. Sometimes I wonder what it'd be like to work for a real police department," said the Detective.

He then rambled on for several hours about how individuals are invariably crushed by heartless institutions, and bemoaned the decline of the American city.

Fellow Baltimore Detective Lester Freamon declined to comment for this article, but he did look up from his work on a miniature Louis Catorze armoire replica and give the writer a knowing look over the frames of his bifocals.

Baltimore politicians also supported the Senate's FISA bill.

"Sheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeit, partner, you know that if it's about national security, then Clay's right there with you on it," said Maryland state Senator Clay Davis. "I carry the water for that machine, you hear?"

This story was originally meant to delve into the more Dickensian aspects of this issue, but those plans were scrapped due to buyouts and a rejection of the "do more with less" ethos of the day.

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