Monday, January 28, 2008

Oz: The Craziest TV Show Ever

Above: If the reason that you don't watch tv is that white guys don't get raped often enough for your tastes, then boy does Don Paco have a show for you.

Last night I was flipping through all the movie channels we have here at the Hacienda, and I came across an old episode of Oz on HBO. I watched it for a few minutes and found myself thinking about how profoundly fucked up a show Oz was.

Oz ran on HBO from the late 90’s to the early part of this decade we have yet to get around to naming. It was set in an experimental cell block in a maximum security prison in some never-named state. It wasn’t really about anything other than a bunch of dudes raping each other. I used to watch it and think that it was pretty good, but it is now clear in retrospect that the show was simply batshit insane and that it wasn’t so much “good” as it was just so completely out there that there was nothing else like it on tv. Mostly because some dude got raped in every single episode. I’m pretty sure that even a nun got raped at some point. There was a lot of rape on this show. I am fairly sure that in Latin America the show is called “La Penitenciaria de la Violaci√≥n.”

If you look at any episode of it now, you’ll be surprised at how many familiar faces you’ll see on the show. The warden was played by Ernie Hudson (or, as Bill Clinton would call him, the black Ghostbuster), the leader of the neo-Nazis was by the guy who plays the Daily Bugle editor J. Jonah Jameson in the Spiderman movies, Mr. Eko from Lost played African immigrant and rapist junkie Adebisi, Dylan from 90210 played a preacher that gets Amontillado’d into a wall, Tony Soprano’s wife played a prison guard, and half the cast of The Wire was on the show at one point or another (Daniels played an undercover cop that got pushed down an elevator shaft, Bodie played a kid that got raped a lot, Carver played an angry prison guard, and I think Carcetti’s advisor Dirty D was warden for a while). Rita Moreno was a regular, the Lakers’ Rick Fox had a stint on the show, and even that guy who fathered Madonna’s first baby was on there for a while. I’m fairly certain that it was Rita Moreno who played the nun that got raped, whose name was inexplicably Sister Peter. And yes, that will fuck up your future viewings of West Side Story.

Aside from the excellent cast, the show has not aged well. It is so completely over the top that it is impossible to take seriously. That being the case, Don Paco hopes that you do not spend an undue amount of time watching this series. But just in case you want to know what happened, I have composed for you this helpful guide to Oz, so here it is, All of Oz in One Blog Post.

All of Oz in One Blog Post

Season 1:
Beecher: Hey I’m new here in Oz. I’m white. I killed a little girl through negligence. I feel guilt.
Guy from a Law and Order Spinoff: Oh really? Nice to meet you. Wanna be cellmates?
Beecher:Sure! Hey, what the…?! NOOO, stop raping me! Aaaah!

Later that day:

Beecher: Man, the food here is bad. Hey older white guy, want to be my friend?
Schillinger: Sure. Hey, wanna see my cell?
Beecher: Sure. You’re not gonna rape me, are you?
Schillinger: No, of course not. I’m a neo-Nazi. I would never do that.
Beecher: Oh cool. Though I don’t support your political affiliation. I was a lawyer.
Schillinger: Oh really? Guess what, it’s rape time.
Beecher: NOOO, not again! Rape! Rape!

Schillinger tattoos a swastika on Beecher’s ass.

Guy in a wheelchair does Shakespearean monologue.

Season 2:
Bodie: Yo, I’m a young black guy. I’m a gangsta.
Adebisi: I am from Africa. I wear a funny hat. Now it is time for me to rape you.
Bodie: NOOOO!
Several people get killed in gruesome ways.

Beecher: You stay away from me, guy from Law and Order Spinoff! You raped me!
Guy from a Law and Order Spinoff: But I love you Beecher!
Beecher: Oh I love you too! Smooch smooch!

Guy in a wheelchair does Shakespearean monologue.

A riot breaks out.

Season 3:
Beecher: I’m going to be a Muslim.
Muslim Imam: You are no Muslim.
Beecher: Shit, you’re right. I’m going to go get revenge on Schillinger instead. God I hope I don’t get raped again.
Guy from a Law and Order Spinoff: Don’t worry, I will protect you. Only I get to pound your sweet, sweet ass.
Muslim Imam: Yeah, you’re kicked out of Islam.
Beecher: Fine!

A retarded boxer gets raped.

Season 4:
Guy in a wheelchair does Shakespearean monologue.
Everyone gets raped.

Season 5:
Neo-Nazi Extra: Hey I’m a neo-Nazi.
Schillinger: Hey dude, go rape that other dude. For the cause.
Neo-Nazi Extra: Can do! [rapes young white guy dressed as a woman].

Neo-Nazi Extra: Man, I sure am glad I got that gum transplant. My gums were in rough shape.
Schillinger: Those gums were from a black man. You can’t be a neo-Nazi anymore. Hey, other neo-Nazi extra: rape this guy!
Neo-Nazi Extra 2: Can do! [rapes newly mixed-race former neo-Nazi].

Original Neo-Nazi: I will cut out my own gums so as to be racially pure! AAAAAAHH!

More people die.

Season 6
Beecher: Oh my God, I’ve been released! I don’t have to be raped anymore! Oh no, it was just a dream. NOOOOO!!

Everyone dies.

The End.


Anonymous said...

i found this blog randomly, i just finished the series...your lame attmepts at humor are an insult to an extremely well written and acted story.

and fyi:
1. Sister Peter never gets raped at any point in the show.
2. Law & Order Spin-off guy doesn't show up until Season 3

Don Paco said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Don Paco said...

sorry you didn't like my lame attmepts at humor, friend-o

oz is a good show.

but i think we would both agree that not many people are going to go out and buy DVD's of it as Mothers' Day presents

Anonymous said...

You haven't got a clue, if you'd open your eyes, you'd be able to see OZ for what it really is.

Anonymous said...

LOL I love it. Succinct and funny. Good satire.

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