Thursday, January 10, 2008

Bush Arrives In Jerusalem; Angry He's Still President


"Hey! Hey airplane driver guy! This ain't Crawford!"


Jerusalem, Israel – President George W. Bush was surprised and angered to emerge from Air Force One and find himself in the capital of Israel for a meeting with Israeli leaders.

“I thought I was done Presidenting already,” whined a visibly irritated Bush. “Condi told me that this flight was gonna take me to Crawford. This ain’t Crawford. This is that country with the Jew Al Qaedas! What the fuck!”

Apparently, the President had been under the impression that he had finished his second term, a misconception that had gone uncorrected by Vice President Cheney.

“Dick told me it was all over and done with,” said Bush. “He made me sign all these papers with no dates that said PARDON on ‘em. Said they was so I could roll over my IRA and keep my health plan for a few months. But I told him I'd let the free market take care of my health needs. I don't need no Socialist medicines.”

Confusion about recent domestic political developments seems to have fed into the misunderstanding.

“What the hell is going on? Hasn’t the campaign been going on for a year already?,” pleaded Bush, his close-set eyes narrowing and his brow knit in concentration. “How can there still be campaigning left to do? Chris Rock won that one primary, but then Poppy’s friend’s wife beat him and then, you know, like, beat McCain. I mean, I saw that asshole Clinton’s wife give that speech last night after she won and everything.”

“I thought that was it, they held the election, so now it was just a matter of having Greg Kinnear wear his cap and gown—how come he never wears the hat?—and put her hand on the big praying book and repeat that poem with your name in it, out there on the steps of the big white building when it’s freezing cold out,” said Bush. “That poem’s hard. It doesn’t rhyme. But at least the guy in the cape reads you the lines so you remember ‘em. The only tricky part is the name thing. I was gonna fly back for that, skip all the parties. Past my bedtime. They should do ‘em earlier. I can always TiVo Two and a Half Men.

Bush seemed to blame Senator McCain for not dispatching Hillary quickly.


Left: In his mind, McCain goes to his happy place and begins writing the "Regrets, I've Had a Few" chapter of his memoirs.


“I knew that creepy little angry cripple wasn’t going nowhere, I never liked ‘im, you guys saw I made the stiff little bastard hug me for the cameras, but backstage I made ‘im kneel before Zod. Like in that Niagara Falls Superman flick,” said Bush.

“KNEEL BEFORE ZOD!,” he added.

Upon being informed that the general election is not scheduled to take place until this November, the crestfallen President pulled out a picture of himself with Karl Rove, Harriet Miers, and Karen Hughes, clicked his heels, and repeatedly uttered the phrase “There’s no place like home” with his eyes closed.

It is unclear whether Bush will remain in Jerusalem to take part in the scheduled talks. Several aides who wished to remain anonymous said that Bush has been disengaged from Israel policy since finding out that the “Roadmap to Peace” was not an actual map.

“How we gonna get some peace if we don’t got no map?,” demanded Bush. “Did you look in the Resolute Desk? Check the Book of Secrets, Goddammit! Didn’t nobody else see that Nic Cage documentary? What do you people do all day?”

Bush spent the remainder of the day petulantly biking with his Secret Service contingent.

1 comment:

Adrian said...

McCain loves stroking the Bush