Wednesday, December 19, 2007

The Internet Just Had An Orgasm


There were many ideas for what to post today, ladies and gentlemen. Those things may still get posted, because many of them are important. Big things are happening, and Don Paco thinks that you would want to know about them. The Bush administration is trying to set up a Puerto Rican to take the fall for destroying those tapes of other people torturing the shit out of terrorists. Astronomers have come up with some amazing composite pictures of one galaxy beating the hell out of another one. Roger Clemens expects us to believe that he is not a steroid user, convincingly waiting almost a week to issue a vehement denial through his lawyer. Because that is the way that you deny things that are patently untrue and are circulated about you by the entire spectrum of media for days and days: by waiting a week to issue a denial through your lawyer. These things may get written about soon, news of vastly greater import require our attention at this moment in our troubled times.

None of these things ultimately matter because New Line has stopped trying to screw Peter Jackson out of a well-deserved $40 million and now things are moving forward with the production of a movie version of The Hobbit.

(Please wait three minutes while the Internet smokes a post-coital cigarette. Like in the movies.)

Now, this news is not as great as it could have been for a few reasons. First, keep in mind that it seems like Jackson will not be directing the movie.

(The Internet has just jumped out of bed at the news of this unexpected revelation. The Internet is gathering up its belongings and looks to be planning to make as quick an exit as possible.)

Indeed, because New Line has spent the last few years trying to screw Jackson out of a ton of money connected with the profits of the Lord of the Rings trilogy (at the mention of The Lord of the Rings, the Internet hesitates and reconsiders what it is doing), Jackson (a man the people of New Zealand need to be reprimanded for not already having declared President-for-life of their austral island nation. Seriously what are you people waiting for.) is now apparently committed to making movie versions of The Lovely Bones (about a dead, raped ghost; sounds like a blast) and Tintin (about a cartoon dog. What? Seriously? When people talk about this they always mention that Steven Spielberg is involved. Uh, who cares? Does this dog even talk. Peter Jackson can't possibly need the money this badly.). Because of these commitments, Jackson will neither direct nor write the new movie (his wife and their other writing partner will also not be working on the screenplay). However, they apparently have final approval over all elements of the film.

(The Internet is still on its way out the door, and wondering where the closest free clinic is, and when they open.)

But there is a consolation prize that makes up for absence of The Jackson: this Hobbit project will be not one, but TWO movies.

(The Internet has dropped all of its belongings back onto the floor and has not so much climbed as leaped back into the bed.)

The first film will apparently be an adaptation of The Hobbit, while the second film will tackle the 60-year period between the end of the events in that book and the stuff in The Lord of the Rings. Immediate concerns come to mind. Do we want Peter Jackson-sanctioned flunkies just outright making up stuff left and right about this time period? Hell no! But as anybody who has ever read the Appendices (and who among us hasn't?) at the end of The Return of the King knows, there's a ton of material ready for use in there.

(By the way, it's about to get real geeky up in here, let me warn you.)

You have a young Aragorn (remember, he is in his 80's at the time of The Lord of the Rings--you have to keep in mind that he is the scion of the longer-lived Men of Nümenor) kicking ass and taking names as a Ranger of Eriador, or, as Thorongil, earning the envy of a young Denethor by catching the eye of Ecthelion II, leading in a sense to Denethor's own later tragically skewed view of his own sons Boromir and Faramir; you have Gandalf riding all hither and yonder as he tries to keep the Necromancer (and you know who that is) in check and figure out what's going on with that ring that Bilbo "found" somewhere in the roots of the Misty Mountains (keep in mind that some of this material will probably be incorporated into the first film, as The Hobbit is full of spots where Gandalf just up and abandons Thorin's company and goes off on his own independent frolics, which could include things like the meeting of the White Council--who's going to play Radagast the Brown?--the assault by said body on Dol Goldur, the corruption of Saruman, etc); the reawakening of the Nazgûl, assault on Minas Ithil and the emptying of Ithilien; and Gandalf and Aragorn's hunt for Gollum. (And if they're going to make anything up out of whole cloth, I demand to know why the hell Aragorn was ever in Rhûn, and what the fuck happened to the two Blue Wizards, the latter having bugged me since I was 12.)

(And if you think I even had to glance at any source materials to come up with any of that stuff, you are sadly, sadly mistaken. The only thing I had to look up was how to do umlauts and how the hell to get that thing over the u in Rhûn, which I don't even know the name of, and just wound up copy-pasting.)

(The Internet is now sleeping very deeply, and will wake up many hours later, very hungry, a little sore, but very happy.)

1 comment:

tai said...

ummm...what was that all about? :-)