Friday, December 21, 2007

Fuck Hugh

Someone has angered Don Paco.

As you may recall, I supplement my vast financial holdings with occasional translation work. It keeps the mind limber and the spirit of industry alive. Lately, I have been using a website where people post translation projects, people bid on them, and translations are then exchanged for money.

A guy named Hugh seems to have conveniently forgotten the last part of that equation. I translated a portion of an interview for him. It didn’t take long because the language was conversational, and I finished the project in just under two hours. Applying the rate we had agreed upon, the total came to $278.

Hugh has been ducking me ever since. He has not paid, and will not return my emails, nor those that I am having Paypal send him. At some point, after various attempts at contacting him, I realized that this guy was simply going to screw me out of this money. It made me realize that when dealing with an individual through this website, greater precautions—payment demanded at least partially up-front, translations sent encoded with passwords to be disclosed only upon payment—will need to be employed. I realize that this Hugh may not even really be called Hugh, and I have no other vitals for him.

But I have his email address, time, and vast reserves of pettiness and vengefulness.

On Wednesday, Hugh signed up to receive daily newsletters from several e-marketing firms. He also expressed interest in getting weekly, daily, and monthly emails from Borders.com on just about every genre of literature that they sell, as well as updates on the latest from the kid who wrote Eragon, and anything Harry Potter related.

Yesterday, Hugh developed a curiosity about important social issues, and signed himself up to receive emails from MoveOn.org, specifying that he would like to plan Meet-ups in his area, and take action by calling his Congressional representatives about important issues. Hugh also signed up to receive emails from Bono’s One Campaign, Amnesty International, and UNICEF. He also signed up to get the 15 emails a day that you get from even having heard about the Puerto Rico chapter of the Sierra Club.

And today, Hugh made a ton of friends. Friends named Hillary Clinton, Rudy Giuliani, Fred Thompson, Joe Biden, John Edwards, and Mitt Romney, the types of friends who pepper you with updates about what they’re up to, what they care about, and what YOU can do to help THEM help YOU to help AMERICA. These are also the types of people that are not shy to email you asking for money. Hugh will also soon be getting up close and personal with Ron Paul, Alan Keyes (apparently he is running?), Chris Dodd, Barack Obama, Mike Gravel, Mike Huckabee, the Republican National Committee, and several groups that are very, very concerned about the relative lack of security of America’s southern borders. Hugh, wherever possible, elected to get updates from these people on every issue from gun control, activist judges, tax and tort reform, abortion, and the gold standard. And, perhaps confused by all the partisan rancor he saw at all of these people’s websites, he seems to have made a stop at a little website named www.spamyourenemy.com.

Now, is it possible that even the email he gave me was fake, and set to be abandoned soon thereafter? Sure. Probably, even. But you know what? Fuck Hugh, and fuck his fake email address.

Now I am off to buy a lotto ticket, because with nine million dollars, Hugh could get dealt with in the way he so richly deserves.

4 comments:

Katie said...

That's fantastic! I never thought of spamming people I don't like, but the idea is starting to appeal to me.

Anonymous said...

nice christmas greeting for your blog!

Benjamin said...

what is Hugh's email address, I would love to write to him!

Anonymous said...

aaah, it's unwise to cross don paco