For a good overview of what Aníbal has been up to, check this out.
In Beauty Pageants: We in Puerto Rico take our beauty pageants pretty seriously, because our ladies are the hottest, objectively. If you even look a Puerto Rican woman you will instantly get pregnant, they're so hot. I know that doesn't make sense, but it is absolutely true. Face it, your females look like drooling Neanderthals compared to ours. But that is okay. Neanderthals were a hardy folk, with stocky barrel chests and pronounced brows. In any case, we just had our local Miss Universe pageant to determine who the eventual winner of the world-wide Miss Universe will be, and it got ugly. The eventual winner, Ingrid Marie Rivera, made it through the pageant despite her outfits and makeup brushes being sprayed with pepper spray, causing her to break out in hives during the contest . The accessories in question are currently in police custody and are being examined by a forensic team. The suspects: other pageant contestants supposedly jealous of Rivera’s “extensive pageant experience,” whatever that means. The unsubstantiated rumor here is that Rivera is pals with pageant organizers and that the whole thing was fixed. Here’s a video of Ingrid being interviewed by Bill O'Reilly!
Don’t like your Miss Universe news so depressing? Well, for the other side of the coin, our last Miss Universe winner, Zuleyka Rivera, who has been surgerized into looking a lot like Janet Jackson, gave El Nuevo Día an extensive interview today, which I think is as extensive as it is primarily because it is accompanied by a bunch of naked pictures of her. Interested? (It’s going to be fun explaining to my special lady when she gets back from NYC that I’ve started linking to nudie pics in her absence. It’s important news content!)
- The ex-chief of P.R.’s Consumer Affairs Bureau (DACO), had his horse stolen this morning by unknown horse thieves. The horse’s name? Maximiliano del Chubasco (“Maximilian of the Violent Tropical Squall”). Easily the weirdest story of the day.
- A local federal magistrate judge set bail today for seven individuals of Chinese descent for trafficking humans into the island. Back when I was growing up, you rarely saw Asian people here in Puerto Rico (hence every person who was Asian or Asian-looking invariably being nicknamed “Chino” by their friends here). Now we’re trafficking them in, and my special lady even saw an Asian person panhandling the other day. Once you’ve cracked P.R.’s lucrative panhandling industry, you know you’ve really made it here.
- A 7.4 earthquake hit Martinique today, and was felt here in Puerto Rico. But not by me, leading me to conclude that in a fight against a 7.4 earthquake, I would undoubtedly prevail. It was also felt in Venezuela and Suriname (by the way, odds are that this is the last time you will read the word Suriname for many, many months, or at least until you sit down to start writing Battlestar Galactica fan poetry, and think to yourself, "What rhymes with Geminon? Suriname! I'm a genius!").
- CESCO, the local DMV, had its entire computer system go down for three whole weeks. The level of inconvenience remained unchanged.
- Quote of the Day: From a local newspaper article on how abstinence efforts are failing:
“I don’t believe in abstinence. I’m sexually active, and, if it works out with one of my lady friends, I’m going all-out. Of course, I always use protection. You can’t just be going willy-nilly out there.” ‘Juan’ (not real name), local ninth grader.