Thursday, November 29, 2007

Puerto Rico: What's Going On

Don Paco brings you the latest (and, unfortunately, bad) news from the beautiful sunny island of Puerto Rico.

Left: Gov. Aníbal Acevedo Vilá, soon to be wearing a different set of stripes.

In Politics: Governor Aníbal Acevedo, the first P.R. head of state to qualify for disability benefits stemming from a crippling lack of charisma, is going down. The U.S. Justice Department has been investigating him for over two years regarding potential campaign finance violations. Turns out there was all sorts of sketchy fundraising for his gubernatorial race, in Philadelphia of all places. There seem to have been some dentists with no connections to Puerto Rico that were very, very eager to give his campaign money. It also looks like the Popular Democratic Party (the commonwealth-supporting local party) sprang for $40,000 worth of suits for the governor, as well as possibly hair plugs and eye surgery. Sad part is, he still kind of looks like the bastard son of Jon Lovitz and a gargoyle. Acevedo has spent the year paying Washington lobbyists to kill the nomination of Rosa Emilia Rodríguez as U.S. Attorney for Puerto Rico, under whose interim appointment the investigation has come to fruition. Moreover, Acevedo, not known as an overtly religious politician, has recently begun referencing the Bible at rallies, wearing a ring given to him by the Archbishop of Puerto Rico, writing angry letters to Condi Rice about colonialism, and, though he has yet to be charged with anything, delivering hours-long addresses on local tv about how he isn’t guilty of anything. Which I get, because I am always giving hours-long tv speeches about how I’m not guilty of stuff. That’s how I maintain my innocence, because that sort of thing screams innocence. Bottom line: Gov. Aníbal Acevedo Vilá is going down, and soon. It will not be pretty.
For a good overview of what Aníbal has been up to, check this out.

In Beauty Pageants: We in Puerto Rico take our beauty pageants pretty seriously, because our ladies are the hottest, objectively. If you even look a Puerto Rican woman you will instantly get pregnant, they're so hot. I know that doesn't make sense, but it is absolutely true. Face it, your females look like drooling Neanderthals compared to ours. But that is okay. Neanderthals were a hardy folk, with stocky barrel chests and pronounced brows. In any case, we just had our local Miss Universe pageant to determine who the eventual winner of the world-wide Miss Universe will be, and it got ugly. The eventual winner, Ingrid Marie Rivera, made it through the pageant despite her outfits and makeup brushes being sprayed with pepper spray, causing her to break out in hives during the contest . The accessories in question are currently in police custody and are being examined by a forensic team. The suspects: other pageant contestants supposedly jealous of Rivera’s “extensive pageant experience,” whatever that means. The unsubstantiated rumor here is that Rivera is pals with pageant organizers and that the whole thing was fixed. Here’s a video of Ingrid being interviewed by Bill O'Reilly!

Don’t like your Miss Universe news so depressing? Well, for the other side of the coin, our last Miss Universe winner, Zuleyka Rivera, who has been surgerized into looking a lot like Janet Jackson, gave El Nuevo Día an extensive interview today, which I think is as extensive as it is primarily because it is accompanied by a bunch of naked pictures of her. Interested? (It’s going to be fun explaining to my special lady when she gets back from NYC that I’ve started linking to nudie pics in her absence. It’s important news content!)

In Brief:
- The ex-chief of P.R.’s Consumer Affairs Bureau (DACO), had his horse stolen this morning by unknown horse thieves. The horse’s name? Maximiliano del Chubasco (“Maximilian of the Violent Tropical Squall”). Easily the weirdest story of the day.

- A local federal magistrate judge set bail today for seven individuals of Chinese descent for trafficking humans into the island. Back when I was growing up, you rarely saw Asian people here in Puerto Rico (hence every person who was Asian or Asian-looking invariably being nicknamed “Chino” by their friends here). Now we’re trafficking them in, and my special lady even saw an Asian person panhandling the other day. Once you’ve cracked P.R.’s lucrative panhandling industry, you know you’ve really made it here.

- A 7.4 earthquake hit Martinique today, and was felt here in Puerto Rico. But not by me, leading me to conclude that in a fight against a 7.4 earthquake, I would undoubtedly prevail. It was also felt in Venezuela and Suriname (by the way, odds are that this is the last time you will read the word Suriname for many, many months, or at least until you sit down to start writing Battlestar Galactica fan poetry, and think to yourself, "What rhymes with Geminon? Suriname! I'm a genius!").

- CESCO, the local DMV, had its entire computer system go down for three whole weeks. The level of inconvenience remained unchanged.

- Quote of the Day: From a local newspaper article on how abstinence efforts are failing:
“I don’t believe in abstinence. I’m sexually active, and, if it works out with one of my lady friends, I’m going all-out. Of course, I always use protection. You can’t just be going willy-nilly out there.” ‘Juan’ (not real name), local ninth grader.


Special Lady Friend said...

Thank you for this posting on your blog; I'm now officially up to date on PR news ever since I gave up the nasty habit earlier this year of reading our daily newspaper. The beauty pageant news, however, I read all about on, where the real news stories abound. As far as my opinion on your posting about our late Ms. least you finally agreed that she must've gone to the Jackson family's plastic surgeon and that fills my heart with sheer joy (the fact that I won this important argument, I mean).

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