Friday, November 23, 2007

Pardoned Turkeys Go On Rampage

Above: In a lighthearted ceremony, the President pardoned a savage killer.

Orlando, Florida – Two turkeys pardoned earlier in the week by President George W. Bush went on a savage killing spree today at Disney World, killing several other animals belonging to the park’s permanent wildlife collection.

The turkeys, raised in Indiana by Ted Seger, the Chairman of the National Turkey Federation, were pardoned in a White House ceremony on Tuesday.

"May they live the rest of their lives in blissful gobbling. And may all Americans enjoy a holiday full of love and peace. God bless you all," said Bush at the Rose Garden ceremony that will now go down as a Rose Garden ceremony which will live in infamy.

The turkeys, named May and Flower following an online poll, were flown first class to Orlando. After serving as the grand marshals of Disney’s Thanksgiving Day Parade, they were taken to the menagerie they had been set to become a part of, where they pulled out semi-automatic weapons from their trench coats and opened fire. After killing several deer, they jumped into a set of ovens and cooked themselves to death.

Persons close to the turkeys noted that they had begun behaving strangely after a meeting with Dick Cheney, whom recommended that they be named ‘Lunch’ and ‘Dinner.’ Cheney also had the turkeys waterboarded in order to ascertain whether they had any information regarding upcoming terrorist events. Rather surprisingly, they didn’t, though they did make up various terrorist plots in an attempt to get the brutal, unrelenting torture to cease.

"Their watery gobble gobbles will haunt my dreams," said a government interrogator.

Analysts later determined that the plots the turkeys reported, which consisted mainly of gobbling and defecating on the ground, did not appear credible. Cheney’s office defended the Vice President’s actions.

“Turkeys don’t have Constitutional rights,” said Cheney’s spokesman.

Left: Flower overlooks the carnage she hath wrought.

According to the White House, the turkeys were raised using normal feeding and other production techniques.” They were, however, provided with extra interaction with humans so that they would be prepared for their role at the White House Ceremony. Experts question whether it was a mistake that the human interaction mostly consisted of the turkeys being strapped to chairs with their eyelids forced open and screened Fox News programming at high volumes for 12 hours a day.

Democratic operatives are currently working on ways to use the killings against the Republicans in the next election cycle.

“The President’s abuse of the pardon power has gone on long enough,” said House Speaker Nancy Pelosi. “First Scooter Libby and now this. After 19 years, finally we can open up a can of Willie Horton on their ass.”

The turkeys left no suicide notes because they are turkeys and are thus illiterate. Experts have ascribed the cause of the turkeys’ actions to their love for violent video games and the music of Marilyn Manson.


una chica de por ahi said...

HI-larious (like Nick Cannon)!!! luv the pic!

Adrian said...

Also loved the image. Fucking devil bird turkeys. Go here and scroll down to see some horrific devil satan dinosaur turkey feet: