Tuesday, November 6, 2007

Musharraf Also Declares Martial Law in U.S.A.

Above: President Bush asked Gen. Pervez Musharraf to run things for him for a while.

Washington, DC – In an unprecedented move, the President of Pakistan, Gen. Pervez Musharraf, citing civic unrest and stating that he was acting as the head of the nation’s military, this weekend declared a state of emergency and imposed martial law in Pakistan. Today, President George W. Bush, impressed with Musharraf’s success in the endeavor, and, frankly, just getting tired of this whole being President thing, instructed Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice to telephonically persuade Musharraf to replicate his success stateside.

Bush directed Rice to deliver this message: "We too are afraid of the threat of takeover by Islamic extremists. We see that you are successfully tamping down on treasonous dissent and would like you to attempt to duplicate your positive results here in the U.S." Rice, whose sense of cognitive dissonance disemboweled itself with a figurative samurai sword sometime in 2003, made the call.

Musharraf, one of the U.S.’s staunchest allies in the War on Terror, and now an experienced veteran of many types of coups d’etat, putsches, and plain old power grabs, took swift action to secure his own hold on power. He suspended the Constitution, stifled independent media, and deployed troops to crush dissent. He called the measures “necessary to prevent a takeover by Islamic extremists.”

"Damn it, we were so close!" exclaimed several Islamic extremists. "We'll get you, Musharraf! Your mother makes love to donkeys!"

In Pakistan, the country’s lawyers are leading the opposition to Musharraf’s actions. In the U.S., no such resistance has yet been mustered.

“Yeah, like the Constitution was all vibrant and shit yesterday,” said Harvard Constitutional law professor Laurence Tribe. “Seriously, dude.”

Faced with a vacancy in Pakistan’s Supreme Court after ousting the country’s Chief Justice over the weekend, Musharraf appointed Chief Justice of the United States Supreme Court, John Roberts, to head the Pakistani court.

“Roberts is a respected, common-sense, conservative jurist,” said Musharraf. “He is like an umpire, there to call balls and strikes. That’s the kind of man we want in such a delicate office. Though we prefer cricket. Interminable, indecipherable cricket.”

“But I don’t speak Pakistani,” protested a visibly upset Roberts.

“It’s Urdu,” said Musharraf.

“Yes it is absurd, that’s what I’m saying,” said Roberts, as a sack was placed over his head and his hands were shackled for the 20-hour flight to Islamabad.

Musharraf also made other small personnel moves, such as honoring Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg’s trade request by appointing her Chief Magistrate for Combatant Tribunals at Guantanamo Bay, and re-hiring ex-FEMA chief Mike Brown to lead the search for Al Qaeda in Waziristan.

Left: Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg relaxes at her new chambers in Guantanamo Bay.

“I’m sure he’ll do a heck of a job,” said Musharraf, who accepts billions in US aid annually to fund the hunt for Al Qaeda. “You take your time and do a good job with it, Brownie.”

President Bush reassured the country that its government is in good hands. "President Musharraf has been a strong fighter against extremists and radicals," Bush said at the end of an Oval Office meeting, "He’s a leader that can help us through these dangerous times."

President Bush said that he hopes the emergency measures will be temporary, and that elections be held next November, as scheduled. He plans to spend the intervening months at his ranch in Crawford, Texas. “Don’t want to be in Pervy’s way, you know? Let him have the run of the place.”

“By the way, Pervy, watch out for Dick,” added Bush. “He wanted to be the one to suspend the Constitution, I'd promised, so he’s pretty pissed.”


Anonymous said...

post something new, you lazy sob

Dra. Gretchen said...

ok, this disembowling of the cognitive dissonance is a new and potentially effective defense mechanism. I like it, too bad the most recent psychiatric convention just finished.