Monday, November 5, 2007

Justice Ginsburg Demands Trade

Supreme Court Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg

Washington, DC – Dissatisfied with the conservative direction in which the United States Supreme Court is headed, Associate Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg informed President Bush that she is demanding to be traded, preferably to a more liberal court, or, at least, a “warm-weather” city like Miami or LA.

Justice Ginsburg, who has played for the Supreme Court since 1993, the year that then-Supreme Court G.M. President Bill Clinton called her up from the Court’s Triple A affiliate, the U.S. Court of Appeals for the D.C. Circuit, revealed in a weekend radio interview that she is unhappy with her recent lack of playing time.

“Ever since Sandy left and Bill died, I’ve been stuck on the bench,” complained Justice Ginsburg. “What with Sandy being replaced by that troll Alito, all our rulings are conservative now, and I’m in the minority, so I never get to write opinions anymore. I’ve got three law clerks and they ain’t got shit to do. I’ve been reduced to reading dissents from the bench. It’s such a Scalia thing to do, God, I can’t stand it.”

“All I do all day is sit and listen to oral arguments, then I spend the rest of the day browsing through the Frederick’s of Hollywood website,” added Ginsburg. “So basically now I’m Clarence Thomas, but without all the barely-contained bitterness about affirmative action.”

“I even put a pube on Breyer’s Coke can the other day,” she added. “It wasn’t as fun as I thought it’d be. He just started crying. It was awful.”

Chief Justice John Roberts explained that Justice Ginsburg just hasn’t become acclimated to the new offense he is running. “We’ve got a new system these days,” said Roberts, who is essentially Greg Kinnear with a law degree and sporadic, inexplicable brain seizures, “and Ruth just doesn’t feel comfortable in it yet. I can’t keep trotting her out there if she can’t produce. I mean, how hard is it to remember that the President and his subordinates can do and order whatever they want? Even that blowhard Stevens gets it.”

Roberts recognized that Ginsburg still has a valid role to play on the Court. “I mean, if some girl sues to get into the Citadel or something, Ruth’s my go-to Justice. She can write the shit out of something like that. But she’s gotta understand that this is the Roberts Court, and we got us about 75 years of jurisprudence to tear down bit by bit, and we only have about 30 years to do it in, and if the liberals want to play, they have to learn the delicate art of fake strict constructionism. Also it would be good if she would learn how to read the minds of the Founders in such a way as to justify restrictions on civil liberties that fly in the face of the Bill of Rights. That'd be a huge plus. She starts showing me some of that, shows me some of that old explosiveness, and I'll get her into the game. Until then, well, there's lots of tax law opinions to write, and there aren't exactly any Justices breaking down my door to sign up to write them.”

Roberts is diplomatic when addressing the subject of Ginsburg, but behind the veneer of collegiality, it is plain to see that he is uncomfortable with her. When pressed, Roberts admits that Ginsburg makes him deeply uneasy.

“Honestly, she scares the hell out of me,” explained Roberts. “She looks like a giant anorexic owl at a high school graduation. I feel like someday I’m going to be discussing a case with my clerks and all of a sudden, 'CAW! CAW!', she’ll swoop down from the sky and eat one of them."

"Alito won't even go near her,” he added. "Says she shows up in his dreams, dressed in a suit made of aborted fetuses, and reads Bush v. Gore to him in a different language every night. He wasn't even on the Court for that one. Last night the language was Orc. Wakes up crying every night. Calls her the Succubus. Horrible."

Bush hasn’t yet said how he plans to handle the trade demand, given that the Constitution makes no provision for such a move. But he remains optimistic that he can get something done, in part because he wants to right perceived past wrongs.

"I gotta find a way to get Harriet Miers on that there Supreme Court. Been buggin' me for years," said Bush. "Or maybe Judge Judy. She don't take no sass. No terrorist gonna fool her into settin' 'im free, that's for sure."

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