Wednesday, November 21, 2007

A Day for Giving Thanks

This week marks the start of what you Americans call “the holidays.” From my studies of American film, this term refers to a roughly month-long period of time centered around meals and gift-giving, and during which people leave their normal lives to go visit the parents they hate and the siblings they can’t stand so that they can yell at each other across a large table (or, as an Argentinian man I met once asked me as we watched “National Treasure” on a bus crossing Patagonia, “Do all Americans hate their fathers?”).

So I take it that as you sit in your office in a cold Eastern seaboard metropolis today, your mind is probably preoccupied with just how to tell your 30-year Army veteran dad that you’ve found the woman of your dreams, and that nothing will keep the two of you apart, even the fact that her vagina does not end in a uterus, her clitoris is actually a refurbished penis, and her outer labia used to be a scrotum. But while that is certainly something to ponder, the Thanksgiving holiday is about giving thanks, so to take your mind off your she-male fiancée, your decision to pursue that Ph.D. in Navajo pottery, or the fact that you left your high-paying job to go join the Dennis Kucinich campaign, I, Don Paco, will relate to you a list of things to be very thankful for this year. So take out that hose leading from your car’s tailpipe and into your closed car window, turn the engine off, air out the garage, and give thanks for your many blessings, as enumerated below.

1. You are not a helpless infant, and Britney Spears is not your mother.

2. You do not hold a subprime mortgage.

3. You are not a monk in Burma.

4. You are not a subprime mortgage lender.

5. The writers’ strike has saved you from having to endure another full season of "Ghost Whisperer.”

6. What with the price of gasoline being so high, that car you designed that runs on platinum and baby souls is looking more and more like a solid idea.

7. You never paid for that Times Select bullshit.

8. Osama bin Laden? Don’t worry, Bush is on that like white on rice.

9. Theoretically, that contract you have with Sprint will end someday.

10. Somehow you passed that urine test.

11. Rudy Giuliani keeps talking about World War IV, so I guess you can hold out hope that World War III will at least be relatively quick.

12. Dick Cheney doesn’t go around undermining everything you do at work like he does to Condi.

13. Hugh Grant never cheated on you with a prostitute.

14. You do not live at Michael Vick's house and go "woof."

15. Your teeth aren’t British.

16. You don’t get paid in pesos.

17. You are not Pakistani democracy.

18. One-a-day Valtrex.

19. Chuck Norris hasn’t put you on his shit list. Yet.

20. It’s not your job to explain how perjury is not a crime when Scooter Libby does it, but it is when Barry Bonds does.

21. Sen. Chris Dodd isn’t emailing you six times a day because you foolishly sent him some money recently.

22. You made the choice months ago to resign from your position within the Bush Administration to spend more time with your family.

23. So far, you’ve given the King of Spain no reason to tell you to shut the hell up.

24. You're not fat. You're just chock full of omega 3 fatty acids.

25. A-Rod re-signed with the Yankees, so now his children will not have to go hungry.

26. You’re the jackass in the picture below (read all about him here:

Happy Thanksgiving from all of us here at La Hacienda.

No comments: