Thursday, October 25, 2007

John Edwards Really, Really Shifts Course

John Edwards plans to use his political liabilities--and steal those of others--to win the nomination.

Somewhere in Iowa – Democratic Presidential candidate John Edwards, still placing a distant third in most national polls after almost a year’s worth of intensive campaigning, is planning a radical new campaign strategy aimed at getting his name out there by any means necessary. The new strategy, in a nutshell: Edwards is going to run exclusively on scandal.

The new strategy is a brainchild of Edwards campaign manager Joe Trippi and Elizabeth Edwards, the candidate’s wife. At a recent campaign strategy session, Trippi, thinking back to his time as Howard Dean’s campaign manager in 2004, remarked that no matter how hard the campaign tried to get press coverage, nothing they could do ever matched the press that Dean received with his infamous scream at a political rally following his third-place finish in the Iowa caucuses.

“Then we decided to look at how much press other scandals have generated for other campaigns, including our own.” explained Trippi. “I mean, John Edwards was the first to propose a plan for comprehensive health care for all Americans earlier this year, which is clearly what one would consider big news. But what has generated by far the most press coverage for us? His fucking haircut.”

“We found that the same thing was true for all campaigns,” continued Elizabeth Edwards. “Obama coverage spiked when rumors he’d gone to a madrasah [a type of Islamic school sometimes linked to fundamentalist strains of Islam] started circulating, all we heard about John Kerry in 2004 was the whole Swift Boat thing, and, I mean, you’ve heard that Bill Clinton got his dick sucked, right? So we figured that a) we’re in third place, b) if we don’t get the Edwards name out there we’re cooked, and c) we can’t get any reporters to write anything about any policy proposals we may come up with.”

“So, the media won’t report on anything substantive, so what can we do?” asked Trippi. “I’ll tell you what we’re going to do. As of tomorrow, John Edwards is going to start observing Wahabi Islam, and he’s going to announce that the Holocaust never happened. Also, he is going to start arresting people at random and torturing them. We gotta get our press coverage somehow. John has to win this thing. He’ll go crazy if he has to go back to being a Sam Neill impersonator. If anyone else asks him to sign their copy of Event Horizon, he’ll snap.”

[Event Horizon is a 1997 film about the Event Horizon, a haunted ship in space, starring Sam Neill. It was released after In the Mouth of Madness but before Jurassic Park III, which is an underrated film.]

Edwards’s conversion to radical Islam is only the opening salvo of a multi-pronged new campaign strategy. Edwards will also switch his pro-choice position on abortion to a militantly pro-life one.

“But we need more bang for our buck,” continued Trippi, “so in addition to making John pro-life, we’re going to start having him perform dangerous and unsanitary back-alley abortions on teenage girls—with no parental consent. We figure we’ll get bonus flip-flopper press.”

Edwards also plans to stop supporting the troops. “We’re working on the language for that one,” said Trippi. “Right now we’re focus-grouping slogans. Our leading options for that are ‘Of course we’re losing—our soldiers are illiterate rednecks!’ and ‘Maybe if they were better soldiers, they wouldn’t be getting killed all the time’ We’re really excited and can’t wait to roll that out.”

The Edwards campaign is fully committed to its new initiative, and won’t be limiting itself to Democratic candidate-inspired scandals. Taking a page from Republican Rudy Giuliani, Edwards plans to start cross-dressing more often, divorce his wife Elizabeth (who has cancer) three times, and to start surrounding himself with more advisers with Mafia connections.

Left: One of the Edwards campaign's new buttons.

Though the campaign initiative is still in its early stages, many more facets of it are in the works. Top advisers are debating the merits of having Edwards molest altar boys, and the campaign in talks with premier pornography studio Anabolic Video for Elizabeth to be featured in some of their films. “We’re not quite sure yet how deep we’re going to go with the whole porn thing,” said Elizabeth. “There’s a lot of choices. All we know is that we definitely want to do interracial.”

John Edwards is also considering shaving his head and flashing his shaved vagina as he steps out of cars. He may also get gay married. In Cuba. To Kim Jong Il.

Asked whether the new strategy wasn’t too ambitious—the logistics of performing numerous clandestine, coat-hanger back-alley abortions while adhering to the rigors of the primary campaign schedule seem particularly daunting—Trippi said that the beauty of the idea is that it could be streamlined and kept relatively simple if need be.

“I mean, how easy is it to scream like a crazy person during a speech,” explained Trippi. “That’s just good, solid, headline-grabbing, thrifty campaigning right there. Plus we’re going to stick with what we know. We’re trying to see if we can find anyone who gives $2,000 haircuts to join us on the campaign trail, and give John one of those babies every day. Hopefully in front of the press corps.”

“Also, we’re going to find out who OJ Simpson is dating, and we’re going to have John kill her,” added Trippi.

There has been no word yet as to how the press will react to the new Edwards strategy, but early indicators are positive: Fox News is reporting that 75% of its employees have been incapacitated due to overloads in their neurological pleasure centers, and Matt Drudge has been hospitalized following the explosion of his penis.

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