Thursday, November 1, 2007

Hulk No Longer Want to Smash

Above: The Incredible Hulk tends to his rolling fields of organically-raised soybeans.

Treasure Valley, Idaho—In a recent interview, raging monster the Incredible Hulk declared that he would no longer be partaking in a life of savage, rage-fueled, gamma radiation-induced violence.

“Hulk no longer want to smash,” said the 9-ft tall green behemoth.

Tired after decades of being chased by General Thaddeus “Thunderbolt” Ross and the combined might of the US armed forces, fighting green-hued villains like the Abomination and the Leader, and on again, off again membership in superhero organizations such as the Defenders and the Avengers, the Hulk has opted to pursue a quiet retirement in rural Idaho, where he is attempting to make a living as a soybean farmer.

“Hulk like soybean. Soybean green like Hulk,” said the creature who once saved the lives of all of the Marvel superheroes by holding up a mountain range so that it would not crush them.

The Hulk, intensely private after decades in the spotlight, would only reveal a little about his new life, limiting himself to certain closely-circumscribed topics, such as how he acquired his farm (“Hulk buy farm at foreclosure sale.”), how he plows his fields (“Hulk clap his hands at dirt and dirt flies.”), and whether he plans to use industrial or organic cultivation methods (“Hulk soybeans '100% Organic' certified.”)

By all measures, the Hulk is adapting well to his new way of life. He is even getting along with other members of the community, something that he had been notoriously bad at in the past.

“Hulk like puny humans,” said the green one. “Puny human at puny extend credit line to Hulk for farm expenses. Hulk use farm as collateral.”

Like anyone else in this small rural community, the Hulk has his complaints about life as a farmer. In fact, in an entire afternoon with the notoriously mercurial juggernaut, the only flash of the old rageaholic Hulk came when the subject of taxes came up. “Hulk smash IRS form 1040 Schedule J! Hulk not know how to calculate elected farm income! Hulk smash Congress if Congress not simplify tax code!”

“Hulk support flat tax,” added the green libertarian.

Asked whether he had any predictions for next year’s elections, the Hulk stated that “Hulk like Ron Paul, but Hulk worried Ron Paul lack electability. Hulk also like Huckabee, but Hulk note flaccid support from religious community.”

Asked if he had any final words for our readers, the Hulk elected to make clear that he supports the troops, something on which his record has always been spotty. “Hulk sorry Hulk smash all those tanks,” said the man with the greenest thumb in 12 counties. “They shoot at Hulk and make Hulk mad. Hulk say God bless our boys in Iraq and Afghanistan. Troops smash religious extremism!”

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